Monday, 19 July 2010

Attempting to explain the blog name and me

The main purpose of this blog is to let everyone know where I am and what I am doing. If you are reading this then you probably know me but you might not know my story so I guess I’ll start there. I am 28 years old and I currently live on my own with my hamster Sawdust. I have way too much kitchen stuff or one person, this is because until 16 months ago I lived with an amazing man. We had almost ten years together and they were the happiest of my life, especially the 5 years we spent living together. The worst day of my life was the 17th of March 2009 when a car hit his bike on his way to work. He never woke up.

But this isn’t about that, well not as such. Jonathan was truly fantastic, he lived his life to the full, was always open to new experiences and had a great desire to travel. For the last 16 months I have been putting together a new life for myself. At first I existed, I remembered to breathe and was reminded to eat. I went back to work and made an effort to see friends and family when I could but I was merely existing. In August 2009 my work requested that I move to their York office and I agreed. Plan A had been to live my life with Jonathan, travel, have kids, grow old and all the rest but as this was no longer possible I needed a plan B. Moving to York seemed as good a plan as any: move to York, work, grieve and work out who I was now my other half was gone. Plan B.

I believe that moving to York was the best decision I could have made. It gave me space to grieve in my own way, it showed me I could live on my own and it was the first proper decision I had made on my own since I was 16 years old and decided to leave home to go to university. Well it’s been 11 months now and I have stopped merely existing and started living once more. I have met some amazing and lovely people along the way who have helped me to build this life. It’s not a bad life, it’s not the one I wanted but on the surface it’s not far off it. The problem is that for me this emphasises the massive hole that has been left by Jonathan’s absence, I made new friends in a new place but I miss him every day. Therefore having talked about it for months I finally decided to apply for my passport so I can live out a different dream. Yes we wanted happily ever after but we also wanted to travel. So I am going. I am going to the USA, Australia, New Zealand and who knows where else? I will still miss him I know but at least this way I will have better scenery. I will take him with me and see the things he never got to for him and for me. Plan C is up and running.

So that’s me. From now on I will try (and probably fail!) to keep it to the everyday. I’m hoping that by the time I travel I will have found the right blog style for me, till then just bear with me and we’ll get there in the end.