Monday, 30 August 2010

New Relationships

I would like to set the record straight. I am not looking for a new relationship; I’m not even looking for a man. It’s not about Jonathan, it’s about me. Most women (people?) of my age hear their biological clocks starting to tick rather loudly. Most singles of my age are looking for someone to grow old with. I do believe it’s possible to love more than one person at once and I believe that most widows who find love again love their deceased partners just as much as I love Jonathan. I believe that most people who had what we had would want to find a different version of it again. But then I never have been most people. My clock’s not ticking. I am learning to be happy in my own company and my memories of the life I used to have now make me smile more than they make me cry. I met the love of my life at 17. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I long ago came to terms with the consequences of this; living my whole adult life making choices based on our shared happiness not just my own. Now he’s gone I only have myself to please. I’m not saying never, I’m saying not now and not any time soon. I want to travel on my own terms. I want to be me. I don’t want another person intruding in my space. There is only one person worth compromising my dreams for and he would never let me. I never asked for this life, I never wanted it but now I have it I am living it on my terms. I am so fortunate because my friends and family aren’t just letting me do this my way they are cheering me on every ‘single’ step of the way.


  1. I'm sorry if I upset you or made you angry, Lyn, it was never intended.

    With me, at 53, my biological clock has just about finished ticking and I never wanted children anyway. I wanted a special friend who would always be there for me. That's why I have my horses and my dogs. David was all of that amd more and I know there's someone else for me too, somewhere.

    I think you're very brave but please don't get too independant. We all need people, for love and security and reassurance. We're herd animals, just like horses, all the psycologists will tell you that.

    The very best of luck to you and please ingnore this reply if you don't like it. I hesitated before posting it because I don't want to upset or anger you.

    I only know me and I know I need to see love in people's eyes, each and every day, to keep me going. I also need purpose and focus and to feel useful and needed.

    At 17 I had no-one and was very lonely. That's why I went to work with horses. I didn't meet David until I was 25 and suddenly the loneliness was gone. I had been looking for a special friend all my life and I couldn't believe my luck. I still can't. When he died I was thrown back in time to how I felt before I met him.

    The more people who intrude into my space the happier I am. Loneliness is a terrible thing and there's only one cure that I know of - people!

    If you are going to find yourself, that's wonderful and positive. If you're running away, I'm sorry but you can't. It will all go with you and there'll be no-one there to help ease the pain. I know, I've tried.

    I can recommend a brilliant book - "The Empty Bed" by Susan Wallbank who used to be a CRUISE councillor. It helped me understand things better. It says the second year is in some ways the hardest - the hard work of finding a new sense of identity on our own instead of as half of a couple. The third year is where it all starts to get better.

    We've done 18 months. The worst is nearly over. Unless you're totally convinced that going off alone is the right thing to do then keep busy and focussed for a bit longer. Keep talking to people because it keeps things in proportion. It will all be ok. Honestly.

    The very best to you, whatever you do and where ever you go. Helen xxx

  2. Hi Helen,

    You didn't anger or upset me at all I was very touched by your reply. Trust me I have had more outrageous things said to me than a lovely wish that I find happiness again! We have had very different life experiences and goals. For me I have always wanted to travel as did Josh so I am living our dream because I can and because he would want me to. For me I had never lived on my own till I moved last year, I went from family home to student sharing to living with Josh but I have always been content in my own company. I hope to meet many fabulous people on my travels whilst keeping in touch with those I leave behind me. Thanks to the wonder of the internet I never feel alone, my friends are but a login away! I am fortunate to have a large (and increasing!) group of friends and family who are happy for me to come and go.

    As to this post I have been struggling with the idea of someone else and I did have a look about but to quote a facebook post "I wasn't sure about this one as it's not like people have been throwing men at me it's more that I have felt pressure from myself to look because I felt it was the 'right' thing to do. I finally realised it's just not what I want and therefore it's not right at all." So I am not running away, I am wandering because I can because there is a whole world out there and I want to see it. As I said it's not what most people would do but I never have and never will be most people. I hope you do find your next 'one', as a good friend of mine likes to say!

    Best of luck, Lyn xx

  3. ... very glad you shared, thanks Lynne. I think you have processed a lot of feelings and emotion from where you were a few months ago. And it is a privilege to hear your thoughts on something that is so personal and many of us know about. Would love to be in a position to see more of the world and also to have the confidence and commitment to do so. Your a gem and I look forward to reading more as you travel. xx

  4. To be loved so much even when it was cruelly shortened is enough for me too. I don't want anyone else, why would I want to try. I have my memories, his children and I know he is with us. My daughter told me this morning not to be sad because when I die daddy will take me up and show me the stars. I just need to be patient.

  5. Well said hun. Whatever you do, where ever you are I'll be supporting you (and gently nagging too!). Hugs

  6. Hello again Lyn.

    I was listening to this tonight and thought of you, and of myself.

    Lets make sure we dance!!!!

  7. Hi Helen,

    I have only just got round to following the link. What a lovely song, thank you for thinking of me. All I can say is too right and right back at ya, x