Monday, 30 August 2010
I would like to set the record straight. I am not looking for a new relationship; I’m not even looking for a man. It’s not about Jonathan, it’s about me. Most women (people?) of my age hear their biological clocks starting to tick rather loudly. Most singles of my age are looking for someone to grow old with. I do believe it’s possible to love more than one person at once and I believe that most widows who find love again love their deceased partners just as much as I love Jonathan. I believe that most people who had what we had would want to find a different version of it again. But then I never have been most people. My clock’s not ticking. I am learning to be happy in my own company and my memories of the life I used to have now make me smile more than they make me cry. I met the love of my life at 17. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I long ago came to terms with the consequences of this; living my whole adult life making choices based on our shared happiness not just my own. Now he’s gone I only have myself to please. I’m not saying never, I’m saying not now and not any time soon. I want to travel on my own terms. I want to be me. I don’t want another person intruding in my space. There is only one person worth compromising my dreams for and he would never let me. I never asked for this life, I never wanted it but now I have it I am living it on my terms. I am so fortunate because my friends and family aren’t just letting me do this my way they are cheering me on every ‘single’ step of the way.