Monday, 30 August 2010

New Relationships

I would like to set the record straight. I am not looking for a new relationship; I’m not even looking for a man. It’s not about Jonathan, it’s about me. Most women (people?) of my age hear their biological clocks starting to tick rather loudly. Most singles of my age are looking for someone to grow old with. I do believe it’s possible to love more than one person at once and I believe that most widows who find love again love their deceased partners just as much as I love Jonathan. I believe that most people who had what we had would want to find a different version of it again. But then I never have been most people. My clock’s not ticking. I am learning to be happy in my own company and my memories of the life I used to have now make me smile more than they make me cry. I met the love of my life at 17. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I long ago came to terms with the consequences of this; living my whole adult life making choices based on our shared happiness not just my own. Now he’s gone I only have myself to please. I’m not saying never, I’m saying not now and not any time soon. I want to travel on my own terms. I want to be me. I don’t want another person intruding in my space. There is only one person worth compromising my dreams for and he would never let me. I never asked for this life, I never wanted it but now I have it I am living it on my terms. I am so fortunate because my friends and family aren’t just letting me do this my way they are cheering me on every ‘single’ step of the way.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

A Ramble Ending in Thoughts on Occasions

When I first thought about starting this blog I thought that the first entry would be the hardest but it turned out to be easy. Hello, here I am this is what I’m going to do. It is the second entry that has caused me much deliberation. So for entry number two you get a bit of a ramble about my doings and realisations over the last month or so.

Part1: WAY Weekend

During July I attended a WAY (Widowed and Young: event in Ashbourn, Derbyshire where I managed to meet many lovely people and put faces to the names I had come across on the secure forum and in the chat room provided by the charity. It also allowed to meet a special lady who I have become good friends with despite the fact we had never met face to face, the internet is truly a wonderful place! The weekend we first met was the anniversary of her husband’s death and she approached it as she has approached most of the trials in her journey through grief: with courage and determination that her husbands life should be celebrated even though his absence brings such sadness in to her and her son’s life. My friend you know who you are and I salute you.

Part 2: Jonathan

On a more sombre note I have finally had some answers from Grampian police about what they think occurred on the morning of my partners death. Suffice to say it was a difficult weekend and one I am not inclined to discuss further here. In an effort to bring some good from what will always remain the greatest tragedy in our lives Jonathan’s family and I have also presented Nordoff-Robins music therapy ( and Brakecare ( with £1040 each which his friends and family raised in his memory at his memorial celidh on what should have been his 28th birthday. Jonathan’s friends and family, I applaud you for your fantastic efforts and generosity.

Part3: My Friends Wedding

The main event since my last entry has been the marriage of one of my oldest friends to her very lovely now-husband where I was kindly asked to be a bridesmaid. I had a blast on the hen night where we attempted a dance class before heading out in Clapham for dinner and dancing. Two weeks later and it was up to St Andrews for the most beautiful wedding; they are a couple so obviously in love it really was fabulous to be included in their big day. A lot of people expressed concern for me as it would obviously be a difficult day but in the end it wasn’t. The ceremony was lovely and though my thoughts strayed to Josh it was more to remember how happy we were and to think how glad I was my friend had found the same kind of love in her life. The only major stumbling block for me came during the speeches. They were all from the heart and beautiful in their own ways. I did cry and I did regret that we never had and never would have this chance but thankfully I was not the only one with wet eyes so I think I got away with my moments of sadness. Even with this moment of regret it was a fabulous day which I am delighted to have been a part of. Though there was the slightly difficult conversation with the groomsman as he tried to politely quiz me on my travel plans for Australia. As this is the reason for the existence of the blog I should mention that there aren’t any yet though I do have my Australian tourist visa. I have booked tickets to and from the USA and obtained a visa but that really is all I have managed so far! Thus the difficulty in the conversation about said non-existent plans, poor groomsman. All this ramblingly eventually brings me to the reason I started writing this entry (or should I say essay?). Occasions, and more importantly the ones I will miss.

Part:4: Missing You Already

Though all my friends and family are supportive I am aware that I am of an age where many of them are getting married, having kids, buying homes and other exciting grown-up things, not to mention numerous birthdays that do insist in occurring every year with alarming regularity. Maybe this is why most people take their gap year in their early rather than late twenties?! I know that this trip is the right thing for me. Quitting my job has been the best thing I have done in the last 17 months (moving to York is a close 2nd) and I can honestly say I have not felt this free since I lost my Jonathan. But, and there is always a but, the things I will miss. Not just the big things but the little things: The nights out with my friends, the nights in with my friends, nipping up or down to visit Josh’s family and friends to mention just a few. All these things I take for granted will soon be impossible. I suppose it is as well I realise this now and not when I am on the other side of the world. All I can say is I will miss you all and I am sorry I am going so far away but I will try remember to send cards when I should and I will always keep you in my heart next to my Jonathan, because if there is one thing I have learnt over the last 17 months it is that not time or distance or yes even death can stop us from loving and being loved. Oh ok and yes I will bring back presents, ok!

Part 5: Travel Plans - Lack of!

Finally as mentioned previously (in the long rambling bit) the travel planning has stalled but it is being kick started this week. I have a list of things to do and once I have made some inroads in to it I shall write again with an idea of where I might be going and what I hope to do when I get there. Hopefully it won’t be over a month before I post again but then it is me so you never know.

N.B. Since originally writting this I have realised it should have been multiple post so I have have split it up. Lesson learned, post more often to avoid long rambles in future!