Monday, 20 August 2012
Thoughts on New Relationships: An update
Two years ago I wrote a post on my thoughts on new relationships. It was a rather short and slightly aggressive post. Jonathan was all I had ever known and 17 months after his death I was not capable of seeing anyone else sharing my life with me. I was completely honest in that post. I did want to learn who I was. I did need to find that out on my own without the influence of another person changing me before I had settle on who me was. However as true as all that was I also was not ready to date. This became patently obvious the one time I was asked out. There was badgering and teasing and eventually my life story was given because being only 30 repeatedly saying ‘I don’t date’ was understandably not really taken seriously. Now the good natured teasing continued and mostly I was fine with it but there were times I struggled with it. Despite all my lip service to being open to dating this incident showed that I wasn’t. The idea was completely and utterly foreign to me. It was like suggesting I start writing with my left hand, whilst it was theoretically possible I had no idea where to begin. Eventually I worked though it and realised that whilst part of it was a resistance to anyone else taking a place that belonged to Jonathan there was also a fear of dating. I met Jonathan at 17. I had never dated. I didn’t actually know how to date. What does one say? What does one do? What on earth does one wear?!
Well a fair bit of time has passed since that incident and I have actually come to terms emotionally with the terrifying idea of dating. I think I am open to the idea of meeting up with someone for a drink and chat and seeing if we could ‘date’. I have more or less got my head around the idea that Jonathan’s place is safe and someone else would make their own place in my heart. However life is rarely straight forward and now I have another issue. I like being on my own. I have 10 months left on my Australian visa and a 23 month New Zealand visa after that too look forward to. I have the travel bug and I have it bad. I don’t want to stay in one place for too long because I start to think of all the amazing places out there I haven’t seen yet. I’m only 30 but I’m set in my ways and don’t take well to anyone else trying too hard to influence my life choices. I have a long list of places to go and see and there is no time to date. When I do finally date I know there will be emotional issues to face so part of me is relieved that I won’t have to deal with them for a while but most I’m just not that bothered. I have a good life, in fact an amazing life. Unless I happen to stumble across a man willing to date me as we move from place to place then even though emotionally I have moved on practically I’m more or less where I was 2 years ago with one crucial difference. I’m not looking for a new relationship. I’m not looking for a new man. Not because I am looking for me and trying to discover who I am but because I worked it out already and am having too much fun being her!