Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Thoughts on The Outrageous Truths of Grief: Facts not melodrama

My life is over:

The life you had before is gone forever. You can never live that life again. However that doesn’t mean you cannot make a new life. It may be completely different or quite similar. From the outside it might even look the same but it won’t be. It’s your new life the old life is over.

When he died, I died:

The person you were before is also gone forever just as surely as your loved one. You are irrevocably changed. Like the phoenix from the flames though you can rise again. A new you will emerge, it’s up to you who he will be. In some way you will be the same but in others different, a whole new you.

I’ll never love anyone like that again:

Of course you won’t. Every time we love someone we love them for who and what they are. You are different so you will love differently. They will be different so they will be loved differently. No more, no less, just different.

I would do anything to have them back:

We never get to prove this one as on some level we know they are gone but the madness that comes with grief and the daft/stupid/illogical things we do during the early months especially I think shows that this statement is also true.

I don’t deserve this/It isn’t fair:

Of course you don’t and of course it’s not. No-one does but it happens to us all. LIFE isn’t fair. However knowing this doesn’t mean you can’t say it out loud once and a while, you are after all only human and well, it is not fair.

I can’t go on:

At some stage we all feel like this. Many times as we grieve we all need a time out to gather our defences in preparation for the next attack. Sometimes you might need help with this. Friends and family can help but if they are not enough then counselling and medication can be of use. With help you will usually find that after a short break you can start again and find a different path. I have yet to discover a time limit on this. Almost three years on I still need my time outs occasionally.

I can still feel his presence:

It is said that a person is not dead until they are forgotten. As long as you remember them, as long as you look at the world with their eyes as well as your own they will always be with you.


Cry when you need to. Ask for help when you are strong enough to. Reach out when you are able to. Take it one day at a time, if that’s too much then one hour or one minute at a time. Eventually the time will pass. When all else fails and you are hanging on by only your finger tips remember you are hanging on and be proud.

These are just some of the more obvious thoughts that occurred to me one night in Perth when I couldn't sleep. Grief like all important life lessons is an ongoing class which I am sure still has lesson to teach me. The real truth is you never get over it and I'm not sure we ever really get through it but some how we can learn to live with it. We have to.


  1. i really like this post lyn.. ur absolutely right with everything u say and i take my hat off u to for ur braveness and being able to live ur life and be such a beautiful person!! im sure he is with you every day looking over you and being so proud of u for not giving up on yourself :)

  2. Oh honey, you never cease to amaze me. Truth indeed.
    Miss you Dr M xx

  3. Oh Lyn....this month has been so hard for me and I feel awful naming my own grief on your blog but it has released the tears that are so near the surface all the time still...and/though I know you are right.
    In a few hours I will no longer be able to say 'my Son died this year' and I will say 'my Son died last year'. It will seem further away, and yet - to me - it seems just like last month. Remain strong Darling....I am so glad I met you and thank you for for bringing him alive for me for a little while.

  4. Sally, I remember that feeling well as we moved into 2010. I thought of Sam and you on his birthday and on Christmas and I shall think of you tonight as the clock strikes 12. I'm grateful that I had the chance to know Sam and through him you. Sending you lots of love and hugs on this (more than usually) difficult day xxx