Sunday, 8 January 2012

Thoughts on my Dad's Illness

My dad has cancer. It sucks. I know that when people die there is guilt but I didn’t realise that you can get it when they are merely ill. Well maybe not merely but you know what I mean. Jonathan died in March 2009. Three months later my dad celebrated his 60th birthday. I remember it well. The celebration was very low key, just a family dinner. It hurt. I didn’t want to be there. My dad isn’t a bad person, in fact he’s pretty decent and honourable. He’s honest to a fault, it’s very annoying. He is a good man. He, like many others, doesn’t deserve to have cancer. He also didn’t deserve to have a resentful daughter at his 60th birthday. Yes I was grieving and possibly not responsible for my actions never mind my thoughts and feelings but as often is the case in life it wasn’t fair. I couldn’t help but think ‘why does he get to celebrate his 60th birthday when Jonathan didn’t even make it to 27’. Even writing that makes me want to cry. Jonathan deserved to make it to 27. And my dad deserves to make it to 60 and 70 and 80. Jonathan wasn’t perfect but three months in to my grieving you couldn’t tell me that. I admitted his faults but no man, no person, was close to being his equal. Thankfully I got over that phase. I remember his faults now and they make me smile. I don’t manage to celebrate my friends and families birthdays I rejoice in them, thankfully knowing they made it through another year.

My dad once told me that he was stubborn and my mother was stubborn which made me sheer bloody obstinate or maybe it was pig headed? Nope I’m sure it was obstinate. My dad likes big words as much as I do. Thing is he was right. It got me through and now I just hope his stubbornness means he will win his fight. I didn’t think it was fair that my dad reached 60 when Jonathan didn’t but I never wanted him to die and I sure as hell don’t want that now. I’ve considered going home but I know there is no point. I’m living my new life and I know that makes my parents happy even if my dad doesn’t understand it or my facebooking or my blogging or even my texting and e-mailing. I’m not even sure he has my Aussie number, I’ll have to make sure he does. I assume my mum told him it but just in case I best make sure. Thing is he knows I’m happy and that’s all that matters to him. He doesn’t need details. He doesn’t need to friend me or follow me as long as he knows I’m ok. So I guess I owe him the same respect. I have to know that he’ll be ok because I know how stubborn I can be and I know where I got it from so cancer you may have found a way in but you have one hell of a fight on your hands and I pretty sure your gonna lose, in fact you might as well just give up now. Good riddance to cancer and keep fighting dad. You may not be my hero and we rarely see eye to eye but I know you’ll always love me so I thought I should let the world know I love you to. Keep fighting dad, you’ve got everything to live for, I promise. Love you always.

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