Thoughts on Taking a Break

Way back in June I decided that it was time to take back control of my life which included giving up alcohol for a while. I felt that I had taken the living life in the moment concept too far, my lifestyle and my personality were conflicted and my grieving process had hit a brick wall. In short I felt like I was a complete mess. Therefore when I arrived in Australia, much too some peoples chagrin, I stuck to my no drinking rule. When my funds got low I accepted that the sensible thing to do would be to get a job in Perth and stay put instead of trying to travel north and run out of money somewhere along the way with no idea if I could find employment or not. When it became obvious that I wasn’t settling in Perth I saved as much as I could and moved on as soon as I felt I had enough money to live off of whilst I job hunted. I even postponed my plans to tour the west coast and flew straight to Broome on the understanding that I shouldn’t spend the money I had until I knew there would be more coming in to replace it.

Once more I was fortunate enough to find work quickly but my caution was well deserved as I needed to live off my savings whilst I waited for my first pay. Once I was earning I let myself go a little. Instead of saving I spent my wages on tours as though I hope to tour the west coast next May I wanted to see what I could whilst I was here since I am well aware that plans don’t always work out. Once the tours started to stop I started to save and study. Though I hadn’t planned it this way as well as stopping drinking I also stopped socialising. I wasn’t in any hurry to make friends and the people I did get to know were mostly by accident; the odd person passing through Broome on their way north or south and of course my study buddy. Instead of taking a break from drinking I ended up taking a break from life. I got lonely and I missed my friends but I saved and I studied and I knew I was building something for my future. Through my counselling sessions I realised that I also have a few trust issues. I don’t trust myself to be a good judge of character which has made me hesitant about trying to form new friendships. What if I trust the wrong person?

Well in the last few weeks I have rejoined the human race. It has involved some drinking but not a lot and not often. I’ve made friends with some people that I think I shall not mind leaving behind but I also made friends with some people who I am sad to leave behind (or be left behind my in two cases!). I’ve often read that is the things we don’t do that we regret the most and I think that I finally understand this. Yes I have done some stupid things in my past but mostly those things now make me smile at their ridiculousness or sheer idiocy however I needed this time out. I needed to go to the other extreme of control so I could fully appreciate that there is a happy medium. I’m not sure where that medium is yet but for the first time in over three years I feel like I am me. Not the me I was before Jonathan died or even the me before I met him, I am the new me and I am starting to grow comfortable with who that is. It’s hard and there is guilt because Jonathan never got to find out who he was without me. There is guilt because I love my life and have no desire for a life that resembles my old life in any way. That doesn’t mean I am glad Jonathan is gone or I wouldn’t have him and our life back in a heartbeat it just means I don’t want that life without him. If I meet someone else they’ll be very different because I am so different and I want different things. I realised a lot of this last year when I was travelling but I ignored the guilt. I pretended that the two lives were separate and unconnected. My time out has given me time to start to accept that they are not separate and I can be grateful for what I have without taking anything away from what I had. The guilt is still there but now I know it’s there and that means I can start working out what to do about it. For now though I think I’ll work on the acceptance of the new me and my new life. After all I know that all my friends, families and especially Jonathan would want me to be happy with how things are because no amount of guilt, wishing or anything else will make it how I though it should be once upon a time.