Thoughts on New Years Eve Number Four

As another year was coming to an end instead of the dread I had felt in the previous few years I found myself looking forward to Christmas. I would be staying with one of my closest friends and seeing a few more good ones along the way. I was finishing up at work and moving on to new places in the new year. I would be travelling again but this time with money in the bank. Life was good. I arrived at my friends house to find Christmas in full swing. I had enjoyed catching up with her on the car journey back from the airport and it was lovely to see her family again on my arrival. I felt truly welcome and wanted. To celebrate this feeling I made sure to post as many photos and updates as I could during the day so my families back home could see my Christmas, I even left skype on so that they could contact me whenever they were available in the hopes of speaking to them on the day itself. Despite only managing a very jumpy skype call with my parents and brother and not managing to speak to my inlaws at all I enjoyed sharing my day with my online friends via facebook almost as  much as I enjoyed sharing it with my friends family. New Year though is a different kettle of fish.

Christmas was always my favourite day with Jonathan preferring New Years Eve. He loved to bring in the New Year with a wee dram with his closet friends and family. I guess that is why I enjoyed Christmas yet still felt apprehensive as another year was due to start. Of course there is also the obvious of it’s yet another year without him. I was invited to spend New Years with the same family I shared Christmas with but found myself being very indecisive. I knew I would enjoy their company but I wasn’t sure they would enjoy mine! In the end I had the opportunity to go into the city and see the fireworks with another good friend.  It was the right thing to do. I loved the fireworks. I’ve always loved fireworks and the Sydney New Year show is definitely something anyone should see at least once if they can. I was excited and with friends but I was also sad. It still hurts to know this is yet another year Jonathan never got the chance to experience. It was also the first year in a long time where I didn’t have a whisky to bring in the New Year, instead I had a very Aussie glass of wine.

It’s hard to explain. I didn’t cry and there wasn’t any outward show of tremendous grief like there has been in previous year, just this sad acceptance of he’s not hear when he should be.

I’m not sure if my friends really get that I still feel this way and since I often fail to recognise my actions for what they are until after the fact I rarely tell them but I do know that they got me through. The ones who shared their Christmas celebrations with me gave me laughter and joy on what has previously been a difficult day, the ones who shared New Year with me gave me something else to focus on and they all were just there. I am constantly amazed at how people don’t understand the value of simply being there, of letting me be whatever I feel and am without question.

So the beginning of 2013 was a sad and started with me missing Jonathan but before the day was out I was back to me. By the time the clock struck midnight again I was back at peace with myself and my life and looking forward to my next adventure. Four years ago I never thought that I would be here writing these words or anything like them, but I am. I am here and I am alive and I am loving life. So if you are reading this and you were miserable and sad and lonely over the season, even (especially?) when you were surrounded by those you love know this, it will pass and it can get better. It takes a hell of a lot of effort and a fair bit of time but we’ll get there in the end and it will worth it.