Thoughts on The Aftermath

For me it's always afterwards that the grief sinks it's claws in. The days following my brother's wedding were hard for me. My parents generously paid for hotel rooms for us so I could see both them and my brother as much as possible before I left the country again. I am not proud of the fact I was not appreciative of this at first. I felt awkward accepting so much from them when I give so little. I felt awkward staying in a place where up until then all my memories included Jonathan and sadly I hated being served by someone who could have been him fourteen years ago.

Despite all this I enjoyed my time there. I got to see my in-laws and spend the whole afternoon and evening with my brother before I left. I hadn't realised how much that would mean to me as we're not exactly close. I'm too withdrawn and far away for us to be in daily of weekly contact but we do care deeply for one another. Spending time with him and his wife so soon after they were married was a true gift which was only possible due to my mother persistence. I won't say much but I will say I made my mother unhappy which I deeply regret. It is something I vowed not to do when I left for Australia the last time and I regretted breaking that vow, especially when she was trying so hard to be supportive. I was determined not to be so selfish and yet here I was hurting the one person I could always rely on. She called me on it and I apologised and since she is my mother she forgave me.

I mention this for two reasons. One I want to publically acknowledge that my mother was right and that I was a spoilt brat and I am deeply sorry I hurt her. The other is that she called me on it. She treated me like a grown-up who has to take responsibility for her actions and that makes me happy. No more am I treated as something fragile. Yes they know I hurt but now I am strong enough to take responsibility for my actions and to have to account for it when I do not.

As for the hotel, when we checked in it was full a place full of memories I had never had to confront yet when I left it was just another, not very great, hotel. I won't go back by choice but if I had to then I could and it would just be another place we used to go like so many more that already exist.