Thoughts About Being On My Own Again

Finally I have decided to go back and edit my old unpublished posts. So if you're still interested and don't mind reliving my last year with me here are my thoughts from my time in Singapore back in May 2013.

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On my third day in Singapore I had a slight crisis of confidence. Where as in the past I had jumped feet first in to my exploring and being a tourist in Singapore things happened more slowly. Maybe I was out of practice. Maybe it was a hangover from the emotional rollercoaster I had recently been on. Maybe I was actually getting, gasp, old?! Whatever the reason as I wandered round the botanical gardens under the impression that my camera was out of action for the day I felt my spirits slump. The enthusiasm I usually had for new places was missing and I wondered if it would have been the same if someone else had been with me? In short I felt a little bit lonely, a little but sorry for myself and annoyed that the life I thought I loved might have ended so soon.

After lunch and finding my camera battery though I got lost in my photography. I ‘m far from professional and I don’t have the talent of some of my friends but I love being behind the camera. I love trying to capture my subjects at just the right time and though I do edit I feel great satisfaction when I look at a shot and think, nope, doesn’t need a thing done to it. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in Singapore and it did leave me feeling a little lost but then it’s only by being lost that we find things, unexpected things.

On my first two days in Singapore by early afternoon I was feeling low and lost yet on both days something happened to turn my day around. On day one it was the Lego art and the cityscape at night. Then the next day it was spending hours with my camera taking hundreds of photos, dozens of them of the same subject over and over.  So by day three I was feeling more like my old self. I really looked into what Singapore had to offer and discovered it is more than a city of shopping. I want to go back and do the things I missed. I don’t regret not looking into it more before hand, I learnt in America that the wait and see method suits me best.

Looking back it wouldn’t have been the same with someone else. Even when I am with a patient and understanding friend there are only so many photos you can take before feeling like you are wasting their time. I arrived in Singapore a little wrung out and jetlagged. I left rejuvenated and ready to get back to my life in Australia. I was going to get on that boat. I was going to have a sunny winter. And once I was ready I was going to go to New Zealand. Maybe....whatever happened I felt myself once more and I knew I was in the right place, for now.

Happy Birthday Mum

So usually when I post what I write my subject matter is grief and Josh but I do write about other things, I just tend not to do it as well. Anyway it's my mum's birthday tomorrow and I just happen to think that she's an amazing person and I wanted to share some of what I feel with everyone. So it's a bit rough but this is what I've got so far. Happy birthday mum. (Hope you don't mind being my subject matter for a change!) Love you xxx

For Mum

You held my hand for many years,

And then you let me go.

You knew the time was right for me,

To stand up on my own.

You told me off and punished me,

Then you held me close.

You taught me right from wrong,

Then hoped I’d learnt it well.

You held me close for many years,

Then left me all alone.

When I clung you shook your head,

It was time for you to go.

You never let me see the pain,

How it hurt to walk away.

Only let me see the pride you felt

When the wings you gave me worked.

Your gave me my foundation,

You gave me wings to fly.

You gave me love forever.

You showed me what I could be.

I see your pain so clearly now.

I see the sacrifice you made.

The times you told me I’d done wrong,

The times you held your tongue.

You say its nature’s way

You say you had no choice.

But others see it differently,

And now I see it too.

A mother’s love is special.

Yours, it knows no bounds.

I'm thankful for it everyday,

So grateful that I'm yours.

Goodbye Singapore

My final day in Singapore I did something I don’t usually do, I kept exploring and I went shopping. OK it was only for a new bag but I went out with the intention of spending the last of my Singapore money. I wanted a day bag for when I went out without my camera as my new rucksack though perfect for going out with my SLR camera and new tripod was not exactly handbag material.

I decided to end my time where I had stared it, in Chinatown. I explored as many stalls as I could before decided on a cloth bag with elephants embroidered on it. Still having plenty of time before my flight to Australia I decided to explore the Tooth Relic Temple I had spotted on my first day, even though I had no idea what it was then!  It turns out that the funky temple I saw on my first day is a pretty big deal. I wandered in not really appreciating where I was at first but thankfully I had my scarf with me and quickly had my shoulders covered once I realised I was in a proper temple. I was therefore able to spent my last few hours in Singapore exploring the temple. It should have looked gaudy and fake but it didn’t. Despite the fact I am not religious I have visited many churches and cathedrals, I like the architecture and I have a slight fascination with religion and it’s trappings. This temple felt like every other religious place. You can feel the reverence and there is a peace in these places which I do appreciate. The lower floor was full of tourists and this feeling was of course not so obvious but as I went up the floors it increased until I reached relic room. Here photography and shoes were not allowed, instead prayer and meditation were encouraged. I can’t say I really got the whole tooth relic thing but it was a very peaceful room. I soon left though. As much as religion and these places interest me I always feel like I am trespassing.  After a quick trip to the roof garden it was soon time for me to head back to the hostel to collect my stuff. Stuff collected and I was on my way back to the airport, this time via train which though it involved a small walk was much cheaper than the shuttle I had used to get to the hostel four days previously.

I can honestly say that Singapore was my best stopover so far and in future if I am able I will stay a few days in any city I am swapping planes in. After all 4 days exploring beats four hours in any airport I reckon.

Thoughts on Deception

It’s hard when you realise that someone isn’t who you thought they were. Sometimes you meet someone and you think there must be more to them but no they are exactly as they appear what you see is what you get. I’ve always thought that was a pretty good description of me but what I’ve realised is I’ve been fooling myself. You see the person who isn’t who I thought they were; it’s me.

I’ve not posted here for months. I’ve told myself that I don’t have time to write. Or that there’s nothing to write about, after all this is a travel blog and I’ve not done much travelling since I arrived in Wellington. I’ve been living with a terrible internet connection so uploading what I write is difficult so why bother writing. All perfectly plausible explanations and all bullshit. You see when I write I write from the heart. I’ve not just not been posting, I’ve not been writing and that means I’ve been hiding from something. Finally I’m ready to face that something.

Since arriving in Wellington I’ve been living a very normal life. I’ve been staying a hostel where there are a lot of long term guests so there’s not too much change in my circle of friends. I’ve got a steady job and tomorrow I’m moving in to a flat. I’ve been living a very normal life. I’ve put a lot of effort into it. A few weeks ago I had a melt down because I’ve been trying so hard not to miss Josh. Been trying to force myself to be interested in dating. Trying to be something that I thought I should be rather than just being who I am. I tried really hard but you can’t force grief, it sets its own timetable. So I found some calm in admitting that I still miss Josh. I miss our life and all that I lost when he died. I thought that was it but I still wasn’t writing then this morning it hit me.

I’m through with being reasonable and understanding. I don’t care if it’s not logical and not fair. Yes I have a great life now and I am thankful for it but he left me. He didn’t mean to, he didn’t want to and for years I’ve been saying that’s ok but it’s not. He left me and everything changed. In an instant everything I thought I knew and everything I had was gone. And I am angry. I am so angry. He left me. How could he do that do me?? I have a playlist that I listen to when I’m having a bad day. It’s got Avril Lavigne’s “So much for my happy ending” on it. I always thought that my anger when I listened to that song was directed at life but it’s not it’s at him. He LEFT me. He left me behind and went where I can’t follow. You can comment on this and tell me he didn’t mean to. You can tell me that it was a senseless accident and no-one’s fault. You can even tell me that he loved me and he didn’t want to go but I know all that. I can quote you reasonable until the cows come home but it doesn’t change how I feel. I am seriously pissed off.

We didn’t have it all and it wasn’t perfect but it was damn good and about as close as you can get. It felt so right and nothing has felt like that since he left. Nowhere really feels like home without him. There are times when I think I’m good. When I thing this time I’ve got it sussed but the thing is I don’t feel like me. I was finally comfortable with who I was. He loved me and it gave me so much more. You can tell me he still loves me that it’s not something that can be taken from me but I’m not the same person I was. I’m sure he’d love me even now, he was unwavering like that but it’s not the same. He’s not here to help me figure me out anymore. He left me to do it on my own. He left, he’s gone and I am so sad for all he’d missed and all he still has to miss but I’m angry too. And I’m allowed to be. Why didn’t he see that car? Why did he have to be him. Why did everything I loved about him have to be the things that led us to this place. Him god knows where and me here, alone.

He was my other half, ergo I am half. I feel incomplete without him. I hate that. I’m a person in my own right. I’m not defined by anyone else yet I feel it still, that hole. That ache in the stomach that I thought by now would be gone. Over four and a half years of missing him and the wrong song, a bad day, a stupid advert on TV and it all comes rushing back, the pain, the black hole in the pit of my stomach. I have a great life. I should be able to appreciate it. I shouldn’t still be dealing with this but I am, because he left. He was taken. However you phrase it he’s gone. Do I forgive him? No because deep down I know there is nothing to forgive. I know he didn’t want to go so I am sorry. I am sorry that I’m angry but like the sense of loss and pain I’ve learnt to live with this is something else I need to work through. And I’d say I’ve made a pretty good start, even if it did take me a while to get here.

Singapore: More than just shopping

Singapore day three and I once more I had no idea what to do. Having purchased a lens I couldn’t really afford the day before I wasn’t really in the mood to go shopping so what would I do? Well one thing I love to do is visit art galleries so maybe that would be the thing to do, or I had heard that Sentosa Island was worth a day trip not to mention taking the cable car to get there. In fact it turns out there is a lot more so Singapore than shopping, though should it ever become an Olympic sport I for one would not bet against them.

As it was a Saturday I figured the island would be busy place and it was the most expensive of my options so I quickly discounted it. Instead I settled on visiting the art museum. A new gallery is in the process of being built and I would dearly like to visit Sentosa so I shall have to return for another short visit one day. For this day though it was art and more photography.

The art museum was different again. It was small with varied exhibits that are probably classed as modern art yet had a more classical feel than what I usually associate with the label. I found myself appreciating the exhibits and paintings more than I usually would. Of course this feeling was possibly  helped by the number of photo opportunities they presented. I spent most of the afternoon there before heading to the Sands Resort. The Sands Resort is far too expensive for my backpacker budget but their infinity pool is the longest in the world (I think)  and very high up. Since the clever owners know that plebs cannot afford to stay they charge tourists to visit a cordoned off section known as the observation deck.

It was worth the money. I went up not long before sunset and got many photos before during and after. I didn’t check out the bar, instead once I had as many night photos as I thought could stand looking through later I returned to ground level to see the light show I had heard so much about. On my first night had seen the lasers from the resort and didn’t understand what the fuss was about; it was cool but nothing special. However from the observation deck I saw the real light show, I had been on the wrong side of the harbour before! Thankfully there are two showings every night so I managed to see the second from the right place this time. It was impressive. Three semi circular water fountains became shimmering screens which the different laser banks projected various images on to matching the music playing in the background. Since it was already dark after the nigh show I  set up my tripod and, with a little help from a fellow photographer, attempted a few night shots. Thanks to the tripod they actually turned out ok; yay for the tripod, a
worthwhile purchase even if it did turn out to be a rather expensive one!

It was late but I managed to get one of the last trains back to the hostel where since I was still hyped up from my photography session I finally uploaded the photos from my brothers wedding to Facebook, along with many many spelling/typing errors which my friends and family took great pleasure in commenting on. My advice is do not try write ‘witty’ comments on your photos when it’s late and you are still jetlagged. Still it was fun and a good end to yet another photography filled day.