Back in Cairns

Sorry I know we're time hopping here but since I was on a roll I thought I'd tell you about the time I quite literally missed the boat in. Back in May 2013 after a lovely holiday in Singapore it was back to my beloved Cairns to try find a boat to go live on. You may remember from early 2013 I had become rather enamoured with diving and the Great Barrier Reef. The story continues.....

*****

Since I had planned to travel the west coast my flight from Singapore landed in Perth however my love of diving meant that within 24 hours of landing in Perth I was leaving again and heading back to Cairns. I was excited but I was also nervous. I had it all planned in my head. I would go back to the hostel and stay as a guest. I would let the agency know I was back in town and work for them whilst I waited for a spot on the boat I wanted to go out on.

On my return to the hostel I was told that I would have some options. They had always said they’d have me back if there was space but I knew that the girls who were working when I left were both there for the long haul. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the hostel would be extending their opening hours on a trial basis and that they were happy to have me back doing my old job but with different hours. During my day at Perth airport I had emailed the boat to let them know I was back in the country and ask if they were looking for a new trainee divemaster but as I hadn’t heard from them I decided to return to the hostel staff.

Turns out it was a wise decision as not long after I made my decision I discovered that I had literally missed the boat as they had held trials the week previously. I won’t lie, despite the fact I had decided to return to the hostel I was a little gutted. I love diving and the thought of becoming qualified still holds great appeal. I was in the botanical gardens when I received the email and lunch and a walk helped me recover from my disappointment. The next day I was back in the hostel flat and it was like I’d never been away. The tours were booking up faster and the hostel was getting busy. However since I was working the mid shift on reception I let the temp agency know I was back in town with much better availability than before. They remembered me and promised to send some work my way so life even though my boat dreams were wrecked at least I would be gainfully employed whilst I worked out what to do next.

Thankfully living and working in a hostel provides great social opportunities. I met a lovely Danish girl on the bus from the airport to the hostel and took great delight in introducing her to my favourite bar and the concept of dancing on the tables at the Woolshed club. She was in Cairns for the diving and made me very jealous by going out on one of my favourite boats but made up for it by being friendly and willing to get drunk with me. Sadly she moved on quickly and I was left with the new hostel staff and some long termers who were still there from my previous stint as an employee. Fortunately my new co-workers turned out to be both lovely and friendly. Despite the rocky start to my return it looked like things just might work out after all. 

Written 12/03/10 - Desperation

With the passing of a beloved actor that I grew up with my thoughts go straight to Robin Williams family. As the post pile up on FB the sorrow grows and then come the other posts. The ones remaining people that even the strongest of us can suffer. As an adolescent I struggled to figure out not just where my place was but if I had one. In my early 20's I finally got professional help and learned how to cope with my depression and anxiety. I was fortunate that I had the support of a loving partner and family. An unintended consequence of this was that when Jonathan died I had the tools to cope with the depression brought on by my grief. Even so I had some extremely tough and hard days. I didn't blog back then but I did write. 

A year after Jonathan was taken from us this is how I felt. I can honestly say I have found my place in the world now and I am comfortable with who I turned out to be but back then the thought of who that might be terrified me. Thankfully with the love and support of both my families I stuck around to work out that life as just me is definitely worth living after all. If there is anyone struggling who is reading this please know that no matter how hard  life gets it can get better but sometime for that to happen you need help and that help can give you the tools to cope with anything life throws at you. I'm living proof.

********* 

Brandi Snyder once said “To the world you are one person but to one person you are the world.” I have no idea who Brandi Snyder is but the internet assures me that it was he who said this, the quote though I know well. When I first heard it I was at university and madly in love. To one person I was the world and to me he was all that I needed. This is an amazing gift but also slightly terrifying, especially if you are 17 years old. We met young, we fell in love and it was extraordinarily scary. To meet the love of your life at 17 to know that this is the one person you want to make your world and spend the rest of time with. Well you’re 17 so surely it won’t last? But it did. At 22 we moved in together. We were each other’s worlds and we refused to get married. We met young and were together for 5 years before we lived together. We had so much time together that there was no need to rush and we knew that we would be together forever so there wasn’t the need for what was to us, just a bit of paper, especially when the money for a wedding could get us to Australia or Salsa dancing in Cuba. It wasn’t always perfect, we fought, we argued and we managed to slam a few doors but through it all our love was never in doubt. Through the dark times, through the hard times we could turn and say “You love me” and know it would be true. It was an amazing gift I and I thought I knew how lucky I was but there is another saying “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” and I now know that this too is true.

A year ago forever came to an end. A year ago my world was taken from me. A careless moment, a terrible accident and forever was no more. In an instant I was no longer the world to one person I was just one person in a very large and scary world. I have many friends and a large and caring family but I was not their world. They did not live and breathe for me but no longer did he; I have never felt so small.

When you think about grief you think of sadness that a person has gone. You think of regret for all that was not said, or that was said in anger or confusion. Unless you’ve been there you don’t know about the madness. You don’t know how empty life becomes. All you have is worthless and the part of you that cares has gone with the person you have lost. You are nothing and yet there are people all around you telling you to eat, to try to live and carry on. It’s what he would have wanted. Well he died so maybe his opinion doesn’t count? Sacrilege. How could you, who loved him so, ever think such a thing? Because I hurt. Because I am angry. Because it is not fair and there is nothing I can do.  Eventually as time passes I am learning to live with the pain. The hurt of missing him everyday has become my constant and now it is part of who I am then one day I realised that my life is filled with grief. The pain and sadness surrounds me and there is no room for anything else.

A friend told me of a lecture in which they learned that grief will never shrink but we must expand our lives so that it can remain the same but no longer fill our lives. This made sense to me and it is a course of action I can live with but how? How do you increase your world when all you knew has gone? I am but one person and I feel so small. There is a desperation in me. I must belong, I must fit in. I must be who you need me to me. I need you to validate my existence because if you don’t will I disappear? If I don’t tell you that I’m here will you forget me? If you forget me what will I become? If I am but one person how do I go on? Where do I fit in? I must go out there alone and make my world a larger place. I have to travel to explore. The world is so large that surely there is some where for me? A place where I belong, a place to call my own. A time and place where I can say this is me. I am not who you need me to be. I am not who you want me to be. I am just me.

I wish there was a map. I long for someone else to plot my course. The responsibility for my life alone could crush me if I let it, and sometimes I long to let it, but yet I carry on. Somewhere in me, buried deep within there is a part of me remaining; a me I never knew, me without him. I am scared to meet her, afraid to let her out. What if no-one likes her? What if she is takes me places I never wanted to be? Yet...... what if she is someone good. Maybe she can care. Maybe she can be someone, thus me I cannot conceive. I reach out then snatch my hand back. I am so desperate to fit in and desperate to belong but desperation is kin to despair and I know where that can take me. So the desperation must be banished and I must let you go. For though you’ve held me when I fell I now know you cannot pick me up. You cannot plot my course for me. I am afraid but the fear is losing its grip. You held me when I fall now you’re telling me to go. I know that your words come from your heart but there is only so much you can give.

So where so I go from here? A wandering soul. For 10 years I found a home, the place where I belonged. Now this place is gone my soul wanders on once more. 

Thoughts About Being On My Own Again

Finally I have decided to go back and edit my old unpublished posts. So if you're still interested and don't mind reliving my last year with me here are my thoughts from my time in Singapore back in May 2013.

******************************

On my third day in Singapore I had a slight crisis of confidence. Where as in the past I had jumped feet first in to my exploring and being a tourist in Singapore things happened more slowly. Maybe I was out of practice. Maybe it was a hangover from the emotional rollercoaster I had recently been on. Maybe I was actually getting, gasp, old?! Whatever the reason as I wandered round the botanical gardens under the impression that my camera was out of action for the day I felt my spirits slump. The enthusiasm I usually had for new places was missing and I wondered if it would have been the same if someone else had been with me? In short I felt a little bit lonely, a little but sorry for myself and annoyed that the life I thought I loved might have ended so soon.

After lunch and finding my camera battery though I got lost in my photography. I ‘m far from professional and I don’t have the talent of some of my friends but I love being behind the camera. I love trying to capture my subjects at just the right time and though I do edit I feel great satisfaction when I look at a shot and think, nope, doesn’t need a thing done to it. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in Singapore and it did leave me feeling a little lost but then it’s only by being lost that we find things, unexpected things.

On my first two days in Singapore by early afternoon I was feeling low and lost yet on both days something happened to turn my day around. On day one it was the Lego art and the cityscape at night. Then the next day it was spending hours with my camera taking hundreds of photos, dozens of them of the same subject over and over.  So by day three I was feeling more like my old self. I really looked into what Singapore had to offer and discovered it is more than a city of shopping. I want to go back and do the things I missed. I don’t regret not looking into it more before hand, I learnt in America that the wait and see method suits me best.

Looking back it wouldn’t have been the same with someone else. Even when I am with a patient and understanding friend there are only so many photos you can take before feeling like you are wasting their time. I arrived in Singapore a little wrung out and jetlagged. I left rejuvenated and ready to get back to my life in Australia. I was going to get on that boat. I was going to have a sunny winter. And once I was ready I was going to go to New Zealand. Maybe....whatever happened I felt myself once more and I knew I was in the right place, for now.

Happy Birthday Mum

So usually when I post what I write my subject matter is grief and Josh but I do write about other things, I just tend not to do it as well. Anyway it's my mum's birthday tomorrow and I just happen to think that she's an amazing person and I wanted to share some of what I feel with everyone. So it's a bit rough but this is what I've got so far. Happy birthday mum. (Hope you don't mind being my subject matter for a change!) Love you xxx

For Mum

You held my hand for many years,

And then you let me go.

You knew the time was right for me,

To stand up on my own.

You told me off and punished me,

Then you held me close.

You taught me right from wrong,

Then hoped I’d learnt it well.

You held me close for many years,

Then left me all alone.

When I clung you shook your head,

It was time for you to go.

You never let me see the pain,

How it hurt to walk away.

Only let me see the pride you felt

When the wings you gave me worked.

Your gave me my foundation,

You gave me wings to fly.

You gave me love forever.

You showed me what I could be.

I see your pain so clearly now.

I see the sacrifice you made.

The times you told me I’d done wrong,

The times you held your tongue.

You say its nature’s way

You say you had no choice.

But others see it differently,

And now I see it too.

A mother’s love is special.

Yours, it knows no bounds.

I'm thankful for it everyday,

So grateful that I'm yours.

Goodbye Singapore

My final day in Singapore I did something I don’t usually do, I kept exploring and I went shopping. OK it was only for a new bag but I went out with the intention of spending the last of my Singapore money. I wanted a day bag for when I went out without my camera as my new rucksack though perfect for going out with my SLR camera and new tripod was not exactly handbag material.

I decided to end my time where I had stared it, in Chinatown. I explored as many stalls as I could before decided on a cloth bag with elephants embroidered on it. Still having plenty of time before my flight to Australia I decided to explore the Tooth Relic Temple I had spotted on my first day, even though I had no idea what it was then!  It turns out that the funky temple I saw on my first day is a pretty big deal. I wandered in not really appreciating where I was at first but thankfully I had my scarf with me and quickly had my shoulders covered once I realised I was in a proper temple. I was therefore able to spent my last few hours in Singapore exploring the temple. It should have looked gaudy and fake but it didn’t. Despite the fact I am not religious I have visited many churches and cathedrals, I like the architecture and I have a slight fascination with religion and it’s trappings. This temple felt like every other religious place. You can feel the reverence and there is a peace in these places which I do appreciate. The lower floor was full of tourists and this feeling was of course not so obvious but as I went up the floors it increased until I reached relic room. Here photography and shoes were not allowed, instead prayer and meditation were encouraged. I can’t say I really got the whole tooth relic thing but it was a very peaceful room. I soon left though. As much as religion and these places interest me I always feel like I am trespassing.  After a quick trip to the roof garden it was soon time for me to head back to the hostel to collect my stuff. Stuff collected and I was on my way back to the airport, this time via train which though it involved a small walk was much cheaper than the shuttle I had used to get to the hostel four days previously.

I can honestly say that Singapore was my best stopover so far and in future if I am able I will stay a few days in any city I am swapping planes in. After all 4 days exploring beats four hours in any airport I reckon.