Checking In

Well it’s been a whole month since I last posted so I thought I should pop in and say hello. Really though there isn’t much to say though no doubt I shall use a lot of words saying it.  I am still working six days a week though my social life has more or less disappeared due to me catching a cold a few weeks ago which turned out to be a bit of a stubborn bugger. I am only now feeling more like my old self though I am glad to say I only lost my voice for a few days. I know that the folks back home will be gutted to hear they missed the chance of laughing at me as I tried and failed to speak in anything louder than a whisper for almost three days.

For me the last couple of months has really been about the people I’ve met rather than the things I’ve done which has made it rather hard to blog as I have a no gossiping about my friends policy which definitely extends to this blog. I can say I am still loving hanging out with my friends and still enjoying my ration of daily hugs at work. My room mate and I continue to stay on good terms despite occasionally working alongside one another as well as living in the same room and sharing a bathroom.

On a personal note I realised that as well as almost missing one friends wedding, actually missing another friend’s wedding not to mention a wedding anniversary and a few birthdays I also missed my own blogs birthday. I thought that I started blogging last August but it turns out that it was in July so I well and truly missed that boat. I cannot believe that I’ve been blogging about my random adventures and plans for over a year now!

I did write up a ‘proceedure’ of what I do every day as I am about to take three days off but I am fairly sure there is something in my contract somewhere which would mean I would get in trouble if I posted it, which is a shame because I was really tempted to edit it and post it here for your amusment. For anyone interested think of MacDonalds but more expensive with alcohol, better food and nicer surroundings and your more or less there as to what I’ve been doing over the last two months.

That’s my ramblings for now. I am off to Sydney tomorrow to meet up with one of my closest friends who is over with her partner for a holiday. Hopefully I shall be posting again sooner rather than later to tell you about all the fabulous things we managed to squeeze into two and a half days but until then, ttfn (as my mum would say).

What a Month

So it’s been a fairly interesting month. On the surface it’s been fairly standard. I’ve been working a lot racking up the hours in an effort to save as much money as possible for the next part of my Aussie adventure. Work has been fairly consistent: I’ve been training new people every week as apparently I’m a terrible person to work with and I keep scaring them off and it’s been busy enough that the days pass quickly. I did get one really good person but the poor girl got appendicitis and is now off work recovering.  On the up side because none of the floor staff will stay then woman in charge of the deli section has been stepping in and she is fabulous. Therefore I have no worries about being off for the next two days as I am sure she can do my job better than I can.

Outside of work life has been a little strange as a little stressful. We’ll start with strange. Normally I don’t like to socialise with the people I work with. I like having a work-personal separation but here if I stuck by that I wouldn’t have any friends at all therefore it’s unsurprising that I have become good friends with some of the girls I work with. They are all younger than me which is weird because most of my friends back home are either the same age as me or older. They are all completely lovely and it is nice that I have been getting almost daily hugs at work though as I said, strange. Also there was an ‘inquisition’ in my section recently as peoples curiosity finally got the better of them and I was asked questions about my private life so I told them about Josh which was a bit awkward but it’s nice as now I can mention him occasionally without feeling too awkward. My new friends and I have been out a few times in Jindy since I last posted. We’ve been for dinner a couple of times and out drinking once or twice. Mostly I’ve been taking it easy as I am tired after working and I would like to save as much money as possible whilst I am here.  The strangest thing about life at the moment is that it’s more like ‘real’ life and not like a backpacker life at all. I pay rent, I have friends, I cook almost every day and on my days off I clean and bake. Also it’s very cold and I am living in jeans and jumpers so it’s like being in the UK except  without all my wonderful UK friends and family. It’s a lil’ bit weird but it’s all good and I am enjoying it which is a lot strange considering how much I work!

OK so that was the strange now the stressful. As I said work is fine, now I’ve come to term with the fact I’m not indispensible. It’s stressful to be on the other side of the planet from your friends and family when things happen. I knew it would be hard but I don’t think I understood just how hard it could get. I thpught I would be sad to miss all the birthdays and other occasions and I was but hard as it was to miss these expected occasions nothing prepared me for finding out that my dad was going in to hospital. It turns out he had a growth on his bowel which they are pretty sure was cancerous. If it sucks to miss the good times then there isn’t a word to describe what it’s like to be so far away when you know your family is suffering. All I wanted to do was get on a plane and go home and be with them. I didn’t though. This is my new dream and there is nothing I can do at home. At home I am an unemployed bum here I am a backpacker on a great adventure. I came out here to get away. I couldn’t live the 9-5 life so I thought to come over here whilst I still could and have a look. What I have discovered is that I love to move around. I thought long and hard about what I would do if the prognosis wasn’t good and I am sure no-one would be surprised to know that I knew if it was bad I was going home. Fortunately it looks like he’s going to be hanging about for a good few years yet so I’ll keep wandering a little while longer.

The UK will always be my home and it remains my final destination but I know now that I love to travel. I am saving as much money as I can because I know that If I don’t then this will all be over and I’m not ready for that yet. It may be crazy but as well as aiming for my second year visa here I’m already considering applying for the New Zealand one. If NZ works out well then there’s Thailand and Japan and Asia and India and Canada and I’ve always said I’d love to go back to the USA, I think this could be a good life if I can make it work. I love travelling. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories even when those stories don’t always have happy endings. You all know about my friend who died recently well today is his funeral. Today we say goodbye and I am sad because I wish I could have known him longer but I am happy that I knew him at all, even if it was just a little bit for a little while. RIP Sam x

Snowy Snowy Mountains!

I’ve been in the Snowy Mountains for almost a month now and am settling in nicely despite the fact that I have picked up the inevitable round of winter colds. At work I’ve been moved from the floor into the kitchen. Not the kitchen proper thankfully but just the front service counter where I am chief pie lady. Yup, I serve the pies and nachos. It’s not very exciting or difficult but at the end of the day I feel like I’ve earned my money and I can leave all the pies behind  for the evening and head home to enjoy a quiet night in front if the tv or laptop. I’ve still only got two flatmates but we are expecting more tomorrow and I have been repeatedly threatened with a roommate of my own though one has yet to appear. One advantage of being chief pie lady is that I am now working six days a week which should be good for the ol’ bank balance. Also good for the bank balance is my unwillingness to venture out in to the cold even if it means going to the pub, and unwillingness helped by my winter cold I’m sure. At this rate I’ll be able to make it all the way to WA without finding another job!

You’d think that working six days would mean I would be lazy on my day off but in typical Lynne style I managed to keep busy on most of my days off. I think it is a diversion technique as though I would like to explore Jindy more it’s very cold out there and doing chores inside and baking muffins keeps me toasty warm. I have made it to the cinema a couple of times and there are tentative plans with some friends to look for a decent restaurant and head there for dinner one night so I may pick up a little bit of a social life yet. For now though that’s all I have to report. Obviously staying put is nowhere near as interesting as moving about so I’ll probably blog less often over the next three months but I’ll be sure to check in if anything interesting happens along the way. At the moment the most interesting thing I have to report is that though Jindy is still snowless we have real actual proper snow up the mountain at Thredbo where I work!

Thoughts on Telling People

One of my favourite songs is Nerina Pallot’s ‘Learning to Breath’. I’ve always liked it but after Josh died the words took on new meaning and it became a life line. To me it said I’ll be ok. I don’t need to have it all I’ll be happy with what I’ve got. One of the lines in the song is “I knew a man who lost his wife, it was the way he chooses to describe his life” and I thought “I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to be defined by my loss” yet even though I don’t tell every person that I meet that I’m widowed I do tell a lot of people. Maybe it’s because I meet a lot of people. The journey I am on just now started the moment Josh’s life ended so how can I hide that? It’s not who I am but it’s the reason I’m travelling on my own. His courage and love of life is the driving force behind my determination to live the life I have to the full. He is so much a part of me it feels like to hide or deny his death is to hide and deny his whole existence and that is one thing I am just not capable of doing. I know there are people who would disagree but that’s the thing about grief it’s different for everyone.  Some widows get by without telling people. Some people are intensely private and I understand that they don’t want anyone and everyone knowing their business. But me, well I tell most people I spend any time with. I’m an extremely open book (or should I say blog?) which is why I was taken aback when my mother asked me if the folks on the farm knew about Josh. I answered that of course they did. I had been there living in their home and working with them for weeks. It was completely alien to me that they wouldn’t know yet to my mother it would be natural as she is a very private person. There is the practicality of it. I talk about Josh. I talk about his family as my in-laws. Yes I could gloss over and refer to them as friends but they’re not just friends they’re family, I automatically name them as such and I am too lazy to monitor my conversation to convert ‘in-law’ to friend every time I mention a phone call or share an old memory. Nor am I willing to let people believe that Josh and I split up. We emphatically did not and when I talk about the man I used to live with I want them to know that we did not choose to end that state of affairs. I want people to know we were happy and a solid couple and I have the right to that acknowledgement.

But maybe there is more to it? I once met a person who mentioned they had been homeless for a time. She said she was proud and told people not for sympathy but so they could see how strong she is. Maybe there is an element of that in it. I want people to know I am a widow not so they can pity me but so they know that a widow is no longer the Victorian stereotype forever in mourning for all that is lost. I want them to know that widows are people too and how strong and fabulous we can be. As a female scientist I’m used to the double take “You’re a what?” except now instead of laser physicist it’s widow and it’s a little more of a conversation stopper. I don’t want people to define me as a widow I want to redefine what widow means. Someone once told me the origin of the word widow means ‘to be empty’ but I am not empty. I am full of love that was given to me by Josh and that will never die. I am strong yes because he was here but I am stronger because he was taken. I am not ashamed of what I am. I am proud of what I have survived and accomplished. The thing is after the double take and a variable adjustment period most people handle the truth just fine. And because I am so open there are a whole bunch of people who know Josh by proxy.

Which is all very good so why is it that now I am settling in the one place for the next few months I am reluctant to tell people? I’ve told my housemates but at work I am glad that no-one has asked any awkward questions. I don’t want to deny Josh and everything he has been to me but I don’t want to be defined by my loss and I fear that at this point I am. Maybe I am tired of trying to change the whole worlds view of grief and loss, after all it’s not exactly a small goal. Maybe I am tired of wishing the world could be other than is it. Maybe I just need a hug. I don’t really know, I guess this is one of those transitions that has to be gone through after all I can’t go through my whole life reacting to my ‘situation’ maybe this is me really getting to grips with living again; and that could be the scariest thought of all.

                                                                                        

The Not Very Snowy Mountains

I arrived in the Snowy Mountains to discover that they are not in fact, as advertised, snowy. They are however very cold. I was picked up at the bus station and taken to the house that would be my home for the next three plus months. The house itself is a decent size and is set up for six people though currently there are only three of us in residence. I originally had an older lady as a roommate but she has decided the mountains are not for her and left leaving me with a room to myself. It would be nice to think I would be fortunate enough to have a room to myself for the next three months but I am sure I shall have a new roommate before long so I am trying not to spread out too much! My current housemates are two guys who have a room and bathroom downstairs and thewe have been promised two a couple who have not yet arrived but will have their own onsuit room once they do.

I arrived on the Sunday and since I wasn’t due at work until the Tuesday I spent the Monday settling in and exploring. The town itself is small but pretty. I have an amazing view of Lake Jindabyne from my living room and bedroom window. The two pubs are at the other end of town but as that’s only 15 minutes away I’m not complaining. I have already found the one bookshop and supermarket though I did restrain myself by deciding I would return to the book shop after a few paydays. It was very cold after my month in the tropics so after a quick look round the main square I headed back to the house to tidy up and organise some cupboards whilst my fellow housemates are at work. That evening there were extreme winds and they hadn’t died down by the next morning therefore I was not required to go into work. Instead of working I took advantage of my extra free day to investigate one of the pubs with my one of new housemates. Sadly there is no five seeds cider so I’m going to have to make do with bottles of sweet Strongbow which though no five seeds doesn’t taste too bad.

Wednesday I finally got to see my new place of work. I got a lift from the boss up to Thredbo and got a chair lift to work. My first day was interesting and full of so many interesting people I had trouble remembering all their names. There is a good mix of people with a varying age range and nationality. I thought I was going to be asked to be a cashier but it turns out I’ve been assigned to the floor. My duties aren’t difficult though they do require me to pay attention to my surroundings for six to eight hours a day which should be interesting. Fortunately the people I work with are really nice and a little bit of chat when it’s quiet seems to be allowable. The rest of my week was very similar though it did get busier as the week progressed. I met and managed to remember most of the staff I’ll be working with directly and am even starting to make progress with the rest. I have had to turn down an outing to the pub but I’m reliably informed that Wednesday night (being payday) is pub night so hopefully I can get to know most people then.

The view from the balcony outside our living room