Thoughts on Never Ending Grief

Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that we never stop grieving and I don’t think we should. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting that all widows should hang about their houses like Miss Haversham but I think that grief can be incorporated into who I am now and into the life I now live. I believe the best tribute I can give Jonathan is too live my life as well as I can. I no longer spend every second of the day thinking of him and wishing he were still here. Most days I think of him from time to time but as the next ‘anniversary’ date approached he has obviously been in my thoughts more and no matter how much time passes he will always have been taken from us too soon and it will never be fair.

Therefore I think that it’s healthy to take time out of my life every now and then and just grieve. I feel it is right for me to occasionally dedicate time to remember how it was and be sad that it is no more. I still miss Jonathan. I still love him and I doubt I will ever stop and it hurts that he is not here to receive and return that love. I need to take the time out to acknowledge this so I can spend the rest of my time living and loving my new life as well as I can.

Thoughts on Telling People

One of my favourite songs is Nerina Pallot’s ‘Learning to Breath’. I’ve always liked it but after Josh died the words took on new meaning and it became a life line. To me it said I’ll be ok. I don’t need to have it all I’ll be happy with what I’ve got. One of the lines in the song is “I knew a man who lost his wife, it was the way he chooses to describe his life” and I thought “I don’t want to be that person, I don’t want to be defined by my loss” yet even though I don’t tell every person that I meet that I’m widowed I do tell a lot of people. Maybe it’s because I meet a lot of people. The journey I am on just now started the moment Josh’s life ended so how can I hide that? It’s not who I am but it’s the reason I’m travelling on my own. His courage and love of life is the driving force behind my determination to live the life I have to the full. He is so much a part of me it feels like to hide or deny his death is to hide and deny his whole existence and that is one thing I am just not capable of doing. I know there are people who would disagree but that’s the thing about grief it’s different for everyone.  Some widows get by without telling people. Some people are intensely private and I understand that they don’t want anyone and everyone knowing their business. But me, well I tell most people I spend any time with. I’m an extremely open book (or should I say blog?) which is why I was taken aback when my mother asked me if the folks on the farm knew about Josh. I answered that of course they did. I had been there living in their home and working with them for weeks. It was completely alien to me that they wouldn’t know yet to my mother it would be natural as she is a very private person. There is the practicality of it. I talk about Josh. I talk about his family as my in-laws. Yes I could gloss over and refer to them as friends but they’re not just friends they’re family, I automatically name them as such and I am too lazy to monitor my conversation to convert ‘in-law’ to friend every time I mention a phone call or share an old memory. Nor am I willing to let people believe that Josh and I split up. We emphatically did not and when I talk about the man I used to live with I want them to know that we did not choose to end that state of affairs. I want people to know we were happy and a solid couple and I have the right to that acknowledgement.

But maybe there is more to it? I once met a person who mentioned they had been homeless for a time. She said she was proud and told people not for sympathy but so they could see how strong she is. Maybe there is an element of that in it. I want people to know I am a widow not so they can pity me but so they know that a widow is no longer the Victorian stereotype forever in mourning for all that is lost. I want them to know that widows are people too and how strong and fabulous we can be. As a female scientist I’m used to the double take “You’re a what?” except now instead of laser physicist it’s widow and it’s a little more of a conversation stopper. I don’t want people to define me as a widow I want to redefine what widow means. Someone once told me the origin of the word widow means ‘to be empty’ but I am not empty. I am full of love that was given to me by Josh and that will never die. I am strong yes because he was here but I am stronger because he was taken. I am not ashamed of what I am. I am proud of what I have survived and accomplished. The thing is after the double take and a variable adjustment period most people handle the truth just fine. And because I am so open there are a whole bunch of people who know Josh by proxy.

Which is all very good so why is it that now I am settling in the one place for the next few months I am reluctant to tell people? I’ve told my housemates but at work I am glad that no-one has asked any awkward questions. I don’t want to deny Josh and everything he has been to me but I don’t want to be defined by my loss and I fear that at this point I am. Maybe I am tired of trying to change the whole worlds view of grief and loss, after all it’s not exactly a small goal. Maybe I am tired of wishing the world could be other than is it. Maybe I just need a hug. I don’t really know, I guess this is one of those transitions that has to be gone through after all I can’t go through my whole life reacting to my ‘situation’ maybe this is me really getting to grips with living again; and that could be the scariest thought of all.

                                                                                        

Thoughts on Sad Times

I’m sure it must seem odd to some people that I continue to make my life, thoughts and feelings public by publishing two kinds of posts on my blog regularly. I like that there are so many people back home who care about me and want to know not just where I am and what I’m doing but also how I am doing. There are times when something happens and I wonder if I should post or not. On one hand it goes against my nature to be half assed about this blogging thing by hiding things from you all. On the other hand sometimes things happen in my life that aren’t really my story to tell. I also dislike to post when I’m feeling down as I know those feeling will pass and well, no-one likes a sad face now do they? The thing is I like sharing my life with you and so (as I have in the past) I have decide to post on this difficult subject; besides my usual post will be delayed this week and I’d like you to know why.

Last weekend a friend of mine passed away. I hadn’t known him long. We met in Sydney at the hostel and have a few friends in common. He was English and we had a similar sense of humour, in other words we mostly communicated in sarcasm. I didn’t know him long or as well as most but I knew him well enough to know he was one of the good ones and it’s not fair he’s gone too soon. I knew him long enough to see that he was living his life to the full and for him to remind me that life isn’t a spectators sport. He was a good guy and a mate and I feel for his family and friends who don't deserve this.

As for me, well it’s one of those times when the distance kinda sucks but I’ve been ok. I’ve thought of him often this week and of course I can’t help but be reminded of my own situation and of Josh’s friends and family back home. I’ve been sad, but more for the people he has left behind whose lives will never be the same. The family here have been great. They know about Josh and I think they’ve been keeping an eye on me but I don’t need it. I really am ok. I’m a little bit sadder than usual but even with this fresh grief I find I can keep it separate from my day to day. I’m not sure if that makes me cold or maybe a little schizophrenic but to me it says I’m going to be ok and in fact one day I’m going to be great, just not this week.  I’ll post my goings on from last week in a few days. I’ve been busy and as usual not just fruit picking but for now I’ll finish by saying: Sam, find a tall jewish looking guy with a big nose and make him get you a drink on me x

Thoughts from the Farm

I’ve heard it said often but now it’s my turn to say it. It’s so unfair that often it’s when life is going well that we miss our loved ones the most. We wouldn’t wish the sad and difficult times on them but when all is good in the world once more and life is going well then you sit back and think if only they were here, they would bloody love this. I’ve no idea what Josh thought we would do in Australia as we never got as far as discussing it as we were too busy arguing about whether we should come here (him) or go to Cuba (me) first! We would probably have toured around a little, spent some time on the beaches and relaxed as we would only have been able to come over for 3-4 weeks. Working in a carnival or on a farm would never have occurred to us nor would it have been a sensible thing for us to do at that time in our lives which is sad because he would have had a blast. It is perhaps just as well that he is not here on the farm as I know he would quickly become attached to all the animals and be really sad when he had to leave them behind, he had such a soft heart.

Yet even though I am missing him more today than any other day these feeling don’t paralyse me the way they once did. I am able to get out of bed and face breakfast. I am ready to start my day, to pick and pack fruit and earn my keep. I’m not dreading having to go to work and though I’m not sure what kind of company I shall be today I’m not incapable of dealing with people the way I was even a year ago. Hard as it is to admit it the clichés are true. Time does heal. It does get easier to live with the loss. The pain never goes away but you can make it a part of you and learn how to incorporate it in to your life so it no longer paralyses you. Still even though I know all this all I can really think is: I wish he were here, he would bloody love it.

Thoughts on Leaving Sydney

I realised the other day that since arriving in Sydney I have spent the most consecutive days in one place than I have anywhere else in the last two and a half years. It seems strange since I am travelling that this should be the case but it does explain why I have had such itchy feet in the last two weeks. I love Sydney and I have met some great people, some of whom I am genuinely sad to be leaving behind, but I am ready for the next chapter of my Aussie adventure.

I had become very comfortable in Sydney. As well as meeting some fabulous people I got to play tourist for a decent length of time before I found a fun and interesting job that lasted just long enough.  To leave and head to the unknown is therefore slightly intimidating but no more so than travelling half way round the globe with not a plan or scheme to my name. I am on my way to stay with a couple who breed alpacas and grow organic passion fruits amongst other things. I have never done anything like this before but then that seems to be the only requirement for me to become interested in a job these days! I have no idea what will be in store for me over the coming weeks but instead of being scared or apprehensive I am excited. I really believe that I can take whatever this next job may throw at me, well except from the spiders, I’ll leave them where ever I find them I think.

I find it weird that in the last six weeks I have become more confident doing nothing and working at a fair than I have been in the last two years. I know that part of this is due to time but it’s also due to leaving my comfort zone to take on a role I would not have even considered before or been considered for back home. I didn’t always fit in with the other fair workers but I knew I was doing a good job and I could usually find someone to chat to at break times. I want to go WWOOFing. I’ve wanted to try it since I first heard about it in San Francisco last November yet I considered putting it off because I thought I should work for money. Thankfully after only a day of searching for paid work I talked myself in to signing up and here I am heading up the north coast of Australia to a place I would never get to go as a tourist. I am a little apprehensive about how well I will be able to do the work and if they will like me or not and if I will like them but I think we’ll be ok and I know if we are not then it’s no harm no foul I’ll move on and they can take in another WWOOFer.

When I got to Sydney I didn’t know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go and I still don’t. I now have a sort of plan that will take me to November but apart from my 3+ months up a mountain I can go where I want when I want. There was a tremendous freedom to be able to say “I’ll be there in two days”. Six weeks since I arrived in Sydney and here I am on a train leaving. I must say economy class seems more comfortable than economy back home, but then I guess these trains are used to going a lot further and soon I will be to. 

Thoughts on my Career Choices

When someone you love dies your brain stops. The more you love them the harder it is to comprehend that they are gone. The human brain is an amazingly complicated organ but it is beyond its capabilities to suddenly assimilate and understand that a person who is so much a part of you is no more. I’ve been told it’s a protective measure, that the pain is too much and that you brain will feed you the information over time in fits and starts of various lengths until at last you understand that they are gone. You will never understand why or how such a thing can happen but you will eventually understand that it has, so I have been told. So it will come as no surprise to hear that despite my many years at university and various degrees my brain just ain’t what it used to be.

When I quit my job last year I was relieved to leave the world of optoelectronics behind. The work I was doing brought me little satisfaction yet I believed the more interesting work of research and development to be beyond my capabilities. It has been so long since I have done any real physics and my confidence in my abilities as a scientist has never been very strong. I believed that I was not giving up but rather acknowledging that I was no longer in the right place and wondering if I ever had been. It was therefore a surprise to me to find myself looking at the scientific and engineering job adverts on the Australian websites. I sent my CV to a consulting company on a whim and was very surprised when they contacted me with a request to go in and speak with them. It wasn’t an easy interview.  Though the gentleman in question was interested in my previous work and PhD he said the prospect in Australia were limited. I acknowledged that I had thought as much and said how surprised I had been to hear back from him. It turns out that though limited there might be one of his clients that would be interested. That wasn’t the hard part though that came when I said how unsure I was about returning to the industry and his opinion was that to take much more time out would be foolish. Whether or not he is correct it hit home for the first time that I might really be leaving my old career behind and for the first time I wondered if that was really what I wanted.

For eight years my life revolved around two things: my relationship with Josh and my career as a physics student.  On gaining my PhD I endeavoured to remain in my chosen field in a lesser capacity, a point we have already covered so I won’t linger over it. However having been denied the life I had chosen I now wonder should I give up my second love so easily? I didn’t even try and fight for it back in the UK. I didn’t look elsewhere in the UK for work out of fear I was not capable of the kind of work I used to do and was previously so passionate about. Now I am wondering is this really it? I am giving up all claims to the title physicist? I suspect not. After all why should I not be capable of returning to manufacturing and working my way up? Maybe I can complete another Masters on my return and re-enter the field that way.

The worry now is, am I aiming too low? I left my previous job on the basis that it did not challenge me, well I know for sure that housekeeping won’t challenge me in anyway. My months of idleness may have done more than recharge me physically, and emotionally they might have awakened my desire to push myself mentally. For the first time in two years I am thinking, maybe I am capable of more. Right now I’m not sure I am but I really do think that one day I will be. Until that day though I have decided to enjoy being a traveller and am sticking to my original plan of getting short term work in order to finance my attempt to see as much of Australia as possible in the next two years. Who knows, maybe I will find a new love in one of my temporary careers which will lead me in an unexpected and previously unconsidered direction after all.