Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Thoughts On The Fear Of Losing It All Over Again
I have occasionally joked that I am not afraid of anything except spiders. As you can imagine this isn’t exactly true, for one thing I detest cockroaches and other flying bugs. I have been called brave because I indulge my passion for travel and new places but there is a price to pay for this. The price is fear. I love my life. I currently live in a beautiful place, have a good job with decent people and even have a few friends at the hostel. Life is good, very good and this terrifies me. Whilst I like my job and believe that I am rather good at it I have been worrying that others do not think so and that I shall not be able to keep it as we move in to the off season and the other day I realised why. It’s nothing that’s been said or done by my bosses or co-workers it’s my past. I had a good life once, in fact a great life. I was happy and thought I had it all sussed then one day without warning it was gone. I realised now that subconsciously I have been waiting for this to happen all over again. I’ve been waiting for my new life to be taken away from me too.
It’s so obvious when I think about it and I can see how it has coloured my behaviour. I have survived having my life shattered once and I believe if it happens again I would survive that too but of course I don’t want to. However losing this job wouldn’t be life shattering, just a little disappointing. I have to believe in myself. I have to believe that if it doesn’t work here then I shall pick myself up and move on like I have done many times before. Hopefully it won’t come to that though.
Seeing my behaviour for what it is means I am able to change it. At work I am being more proactive about learning more skills and showing how flexible I can be. I am pushing myself forward and commenting when I think I’ve done a good job instead of pointing out my mistakes. I’m working at being the best me I can and even if after all that there aren’t enough hours then I shall move on. I have learnt a lot over the last couple of months in Broome. My restaurant and bar skills have improved and expanded and now I feel I have taken yet another step in accepting and embracing my new life. Like every place I have visited before Broome has changed me and this time I feel those changes are for the better. Having said that I really hope my time here isn’t over yet.