Well I’m not sure I’ll fill a whole album online but I sure have enough photos to. My pseudo-nephew is the cutest friendliest baby I have ever met. Okay I’ve not met a lot of babies but I cannot imagine a happier child, after only a few hours he wanted to show me his toys and give me cuddles and it was fabulous. I had great fun playing with him and watching him explore the world as his parents showed me round their adopted home town. On separate occasions both parents took him in to stores to look at the Christmas decorations whilst we were out and about and instead of shying away I took pleasure in showing him the sparkly trees and stuffed toys, his mother even allowed me to by him and his little sister-to-be a stuffed reindeer each for their first Christmas even though his little sister won’t be arriving until early next year. I thought I might have some sadness at seeing my cousin-in-laws bump but all I felt was wonder that there was an actual person in there and happiness that they would soon have another child to add to their family. We’ve never been a close family, keeping in touch sporadically and meeting mostly at big occasions (yes weddings and funerals) but as we’ve grown up we’ve made more of an effort to keep in touch, helped by e-mail and the dreaded facebook of course. Still it was lovely to come half way across the world and spend time with family. We talked about my loss and how I’ve coped but also about how they coped with moving their own lives to a totally different country and it made me realise how brave they were and continue to be. They have built a new life for themselves and made their own family here and yet they stay in touch with us back home and make sure they keep those ties alive, despite the crazy busy life they have over here. I thought I understood how much work babies were but I really didn’t. For such small people they require a lot of time and attention, who knew?! Bravery and inspiration really does come in all shapes and sizes and from the most unexpected sources.
As for me, well talking with my cousin and his wife has shown me how far I’ve come in the last 20 months. I am not just surviving I am living my life and I am enjoying it. Yes it feels wrong sometimes that I can be happy when my love has gone but I know it is what he would want; it’s what I would want for him if our situations had been reversed after all. It’s not always easy but it is getting easier to live without him and that itself makes me sad. It’s sad that he is missing out on meeting my pseudo-nephew and that we won’t have one of our own but that sadness is now something I hold separate from my love of life and the happiness I am finding in sharing it with all these different people in many different ways. As I said at the beginning of this blog, it’s not the life I wanted and it’s not the life I would have chosen but it’s the life I’ve got and I am determined to enjoy it as much as I can. It is a bittersweet victory but so far I am winning.
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