Happy 30th My Love xxx

When I was fifteen if you had asked me what my life would be like at thirty I would probably have guessed something similar to what I have except instead of widowed I would have guessed permanently single and if you told me about all the fabulous friends I have I would have thought you were insane. Maybe that’s why I handled my thirtieth so much better than I thought I would. Jonathan gave me a life and love I never imagined I was worthy of and then he convinced me I was more than worthy and deserving. I am thankful for everything we had and incredibly happy that I had him in my life at all even if our time together was much shorter than I wanted.  He gave me amazing memories and faith in myself. His gift will last a life time.

On Jonathans thirtieth birthday though it’s different. All of the above is true but the loss is overwhelming. There’s no ‘he didn’t get our dream but he’s doing ok’. I can say my life isn’t what I wanted it to be but it is ok but I cannot say that about his. There is not second prize or at least’s. He is simply gone, denied the future that he would have given so much to. Denied all we planned. And that hurts. I’m working on a slide show of his life and it ends much too soon. I see him as a child and I cannot help but wonder what our kids would have looked like and remember that this was the year we planned to find out.  I agree with the saying that the picture in our head of how we think life should be is what messes up our appreciation of what we have. I try very hard to ignore that picture and be grateful for what I have and most of the time I do succeed but this isn’t actually about me. This is about Jonathan and all he isn’t doing. All this amazing things he’s missing. Usually I try and end my posts on a happy note so I’ll end by saying I am grateful that Jonathan was born thirty years ago and that we had him for as long as we did but that doesn’t stop me missing him every day and on occasions like this wishing with every fibre of my being that life had been just as we imagined it would be instead of how it is. Happy birthday my love where ever you are. Know I’m thinking of you, missing you and still loving you and that I’ll be sure to have a Jack just for you tomorrow  xxx