When I was fifteen if you had asked me what my life would be
like at thirty I would probably have guessed something similar to what I have
except instead of widowed I would have guessed permanently single and if you
told me about all the fabulous friends I have I would have thought you were
insane. Maybe that’s why I handled my thirtieth so much better than I thought I
would. Jonathan gave me a life and love I never imagined I was worthy of and
then he convinced me I was more than worthy and deserving. I am thankful for
everything we had and incredibly happy that I had him in my life at all even if
our time together was much shorter than I wanted. He gave me amazing memories and faith in
myself. His gift will last a life time.
On Jonathans thirtieth birthday though it’s different.
All of the above is true but the loss is overwhelming. There’s no ‘he didn’t
get our dream but he’s doing ok’. I can say my life isn’t what I wanted it to
be but it is ok but I cannot say that about his. There is not second prize or
at least’s. He is simply gone, denied the future that he would have given so
much to. Denied all we planned. And that hurts. I’m working on a slide show of
his life and it ends much too soon. I see him as a child and I cannot help but
wonder what our kids would have looked like and remember that this was the year
we planned to find out. I agree with the
saying that the picture in our head of how we think life should be is what
messes up our appreciation of what we have. I try very hard to ignore that
picture and be grateful for what I have and most of the time I do succeed but
this isn’t actually about me. This is about Jonathan and all he isn’t doing.
All this amazing things he’s missing. Usually I try and end my posts on a happy
note so I’ll end by saying I am grateful that Jonathan was born thirty years
ago and that we had him for as long as we did but that doesn’t stop me missing
him every day and on occasions like this wishing with every fibre of my being
that life had been just as we imagined it would be instead of how it is. Happy
birthday my love where ever you are. Know I’m thinking of you, missing you and
still loving you and that I’ll be sure to have a Jack just for you tomorrow xxx
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