Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Taking Back Control

When I arrived back in the UK it was warm and sunny and I thought “Hey, this isn’t so bad”. Sadly neither the weather or my happy mood lasted. As the weather took a turn for the worse I struggled to adjust to life back home but once I did I can honestly say the struggle was worth it. I have thoroughly enjoyed staying with my parents and spending time with them, even if it was just watching TV for an hour before bed due to my unsociable hours.

My last month in the UK was never going to be boring as every weekend and some week days were booked solid. It started with my mother and brothers joint birthday dinner. My brother came up to stay and though we missed his fiancĂ© who couldn’t make it I think we all enjoyed being together as a family and I know we all enjoyed our meal out. Inverurie may be a small town but it has some pretty good restaurants.  My family even put up with me taking the obligatory photos with my new camera. Sadly the next weekend wasn’t to be such a happy occasion. Jonathan’s thirtieth was always going to be hard. I’d been dreading it for years. However after the non-event that was my thirtieth I convinced myself that his wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong. Subconsciously I’d been building myself up to it and I knew it was going to hurt. My god did it hurt. I don’t know how they do it but his family managed to smile through most of it though I could tell they were hurting too. They are amazing in their strength and fortitude in the face of shitty unfairness that took their son from them. Whatever you think of how I’ve dealt with my grief then know I take my cue from them. If they can keep going and even smiling then so can I.

Which brings me neatly on to the next topic; the fact that recently I haven’t been dealing very well with my grief. My life is going well. I have the most amazing opportunities but my attitude has been going downhill. I’ve been rebelling against nothing and lashing out at the people closest to me. I know I’ve hurt people as I’ve grieved and I know they’ve forgiven me but now it’s time to step up and take back control of my life. Going with the flow was fine for a while but I want to be the friend I was before. I want to be there when my friends and family need me. I want to know that if it all goes wrong again then at least I gave it my best shot. To that end I’ve made some pretty drastic decisions. The major one is to stop drinking. This is going to be hard because drinking is such a major social event in my life but it’s been my crutch for long enough. From a young age I worried that I wasn’t interesting or fun and alcohol made those worries magically disappear. Well now I worry that I’ll get drunk and do something stupid, or hurt a friend, or miss out on something special due to a terrible hangover. Well I’ve had enough of that. I don’t care what anyone else says I don’t like drunk me and if any one of my friends prefers her to the real me then I’m sorry but I guess we’re not really friends. It’s going to be easy and I have severe doubts about my will power but I really want to succeed at this so please wish me luck. The other is to take a time out from stalking Josh’s friends on facebook. It’s not easy for me to admit but it hurts too much to see them living their lives without him. It shouldn’t and I am happy for them but it’s easier to be happy from far away so for a while at least I’m limiting my contact. Finally I’m making finding work in Australia my number one priority on my return. It was fun to have my wee belated teenage rebellion but I’m ready to be a grown up now, or at least as much of a grown up as one can be when one’s constant companion is a small stuffed highland cow. When I went to Australia the first time I said I was responsible for me but that word has not been in evidence much over the last year or so. Now it’s time to remember it. This time Australia I don’t have some vague intentions and a ‘hell with it’ attitude, no this is much scarier. This time I have a PLAN and instead of reacting to circumstances I’m taking control. I have a new dream and heaven help anyone or thing that tries to get in the way of it. 

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