Loving and Leaving the Homeland

After all the excitement of three big birthdays one of which was Jonathan’s thirtieth I would take it easy for my last week and a half in the UK but then if you think that then you obviously don’t know me. After the soul searching and thinking I have finally worked out what I want from life now and whilst the thought of the work it’s going to take to make them work is a little scary the rewards if I succeed will be worth it.

On my return from visiting my in-laws I still felt a little drained but with a renewed sense of purpose. My final days in the UK started by doing the boring tasks of washing and packing but being me I couldn’t resist a quick look online to see if I was eligible for a New Zealand working holiday visa. I was delighted to discover that I was and thought instead or an online assessment I had filled out an actual application I was able to put it on hold until I was ready to complete the application. I’ll put it the top of my list of things to do once I’m in Australia.

Having left the clothes I wanted to take on the bed in my parents other spare room and applied for my NZ visa I felt I had been productive enough and did take the time to read a book which had been given to me last year before I left. I took the chance to enjoy a couple of relaxing days at home before heading south again the following weekend. My major event of the week was completing the Ashvale ‘Whale’ challenge with my dad. As I fly out five days before his birthday this was my early birthday treat to him. Though I did manage to eat all of my humungous fish I didn’t eat for most of the next day and I don’t think I’ll be wanting to see a battered fish for quite a while. Lesson: Food is for enjoying not

Over the weekend I took the change to visit my aunt and cousins for the first and last time on this visit home. On the Friday we had a chilled evening in with just a few of the family in residence but on the Saturday they held a barbeque to welcome my middle cousin and his family home from the USA where they had been living for the last four years. It was great to catch up with all my family and their friends and I am proud to say not a drop of alcohol passed my lips all weekend. I was tempted but I resisted and I am glad I did. Not only do I remember everything I said and did I’m fairly sure I didn’t make too much of an idiot of myself at any point and I was able to ferry my family around. It was a pleasure to be able to repay the many lifts they have given me over the years and know that my sobriety was having immediately obvious good results. Not even the demon satnav which took us from there the most convoluted way imaginable and messed up nail polish made me give in to temptation. I have high hopes for this new life style choice and have therefore started keeping score. Currently it’s: Alcohol 0 Lyn 2. Go me eh?

On the Sunday I was meant to do a tandem skydive but the typical Scottish weather prevented me from going. Instead of jumping out of a plane together my friend and I had to make do with lunch and a quick catch up before I was off to visit my newly repatriated cousin and his family. I had met his son before but not his daughter and I was delighted to meet her before I left the country. I was also fortunate to meet my other cousins little girl who was equally cute. I am hoping this is evidnce of good genes in my family and not their wives gene over ruling them. Either way I got to meet three gorgeous kids over the weekend. Too soon it was time to head off and myself and a friend drove back north together. On the way we set the world to rights and re-assured each other of our mutual fabulousness. I must admit as disappointed as I was to miss out on the skydive meeting my second and third youngest family members and having good company on the way home more than made up for it. And hey, now I’ll just have to jump in Australia, what a shame.

Sadly not all was well in the world of Lyn this day. I arrived home to find out my mum would have to leave early the next day and wouldn’t get home until I had left. It was therefore out last night together. As sad as I was that this would be the last time I would see her for nine months in a way it made leaving easier. I am without a doubt a mummy’s girl and leaving my mum behind is one of the hardest parts of going. It is therefore unsurprising that once she went to bed I started packing and within a few hours was more or less ready to go. Really all that was left to do was to decide which films to take with me and to make sure my music and other files were backed up.

My last day in Aberdeenshire was spent packing the last minute bits and pieces before heading in to the city to have dinner with my eldest cousin. Along with the delicious duck stir-fry there were some last minute words of wisdoms and warnings to take care of myself before sending me on my way with a massive hug. I made sure not to stay too long as I wanted to spend some time with my dad as well. Sure enough I arrived home to find him watching his usual programs. It felt just like when I used to do a split shift at the restaurant. Before long though it was time to head to my own bed for the last time this year.

The next day I was up early checking I had everything I would need and wondering what happened to my good intentions to take less stuff this time. My dad drove me to the train station and soon I was heading south towards Glasgow as I would spend my last night in the UK in the home town of my youth. On arriving at my in-laws house the first thing I did was to take some photos of Jonathan’s garden then dismantle my camera and re-pack my backpack to ensure my precious new camera was well protected for its perilous journey through the international airports. Though my stay was short I was fortunate to see a few relatives and my brothers’ fiancée was kind enough to make me dinner and bring me up to date with the latest wedding plans. On hearing this my brother changed his plans so he could also spemd time with me before I left, though he didn’t seem as interested in the pretty cars and flowers as his fiancée and I. There were of course more hugs and promises of post cards and warning to stay safe and take care.



Finally the actual day of leaving arrived. I don’t sleep well when I’m due to travel and my last week in the UK was no exception but even in my sleep deprived state I was getting excited about all the amazing places I wanted to see and visit, not even the prices of the tours I looked at could dampen my enthusiasm . I was finally on my way back to the land of adventure and after my last amazing year there I couldn’t wait to see what this trip would bring.

Taking Back Control

When I arrived back in the UK it was warm and sunny and I thought “Hey, this isn’t so bad”. Sadly neither the weather or my happy mood lasted. As the weather took a turn for the worse I struggled to adjust to life back home but once I did I can honestly say the struggle was worth it. I have thoroughly enjoyed staying with my parents and spending time with them, even if it was just watching TV for an hour before bed due to my unsociable hours.

My last month in the UK was never going to be boring as every weekend and some week days were booked solid. It started with my mother and brothers joint birthday dinner. My brother came up to stay and though we missed his fiancé who couldn’t make it I think we all enjoyed being together as a family and I know we all enjoyed our meal out. Inverurie may be a small town but it has some pretty good restaurants.  My family even put up with me taking the obligatory photos with my new camera. Sadly the next weekend wasn’t to be such a happy occasion. Jonathan’s thirtieth was always going to be hard. I’d been dreading it for years. However after the non-event that was my thirtieth I convinced myself that his wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong. Subconsciously I’d been building myself up to it and I knew it was going to hurt. My god did it hurt. I don’t know how they do it but his family managed to smile through most of it though I could tell they were hurting too. They are amazing in their strength and fortitude in the face of shitty unfairness that took their son from them. Whatever you think of how I’ve dealt with my grief then know I take my cue from them. If they can keep going and even smiling then so can I.

Which brings me neatly on to the next topic; the fact that recently I haven’t been dealing very well with my grief. My life is going well. I have the most amazing opportunities but my attitude has been going downhill. I’ve been rebelling against nothing and lashing out at the people closest to me. I know I’ve hurt people as I’ve grieved and I know they’ve forgiven me but now it’s time to step up and take back control of my life. Going with the flow was fine for a while but I want to be the friend I was before. I want to be there when my friends and family need me. I want to know that if it all goes wrong again then at least I gave it my best shot. To that end I’ve made some pretty drastic decisions. The major one is to stop drinking. This is going to be hard because drinking is such a major social event in my life but it’s been my crutch for long enough. From a young age I worried that I wasn’t interesting or fun and alcohol made those worries magically disappear. Well now I worry that I’ll get drunk and do something stupid, or hurt a friend, or miss out on something special due to a terrible hangover. Well I’ve had enough of that. I don’t care what anyone else says I don’t like drunk me and if any one of my friends prefers her to the real me then I’m sorry but I guess we’re not really friends. It’s going to be easy and I have severe doubts about my will power but I really want to succeed at this so please wish me luck. The other is to take a time out from stalking Josh’s friends on facebook. It’s not easy for me to admit but it hurts too much to see them living their lives without him. It shouldn’t and I am happy for them but it’s easier to be happy from far away so for a while at least I’m limiting my contact. Finally I’m making finding work in Australia my number one priority on my return. It was fun to have my wee belated teenage rebellion but I’m ready to be a grown up now, or at least as much of a grown up as one can be when one’s constant companion is a small stuffed highland cow. When I went to Australia the first time I said I was responsible for me but that word has not been in evidence much over the last year or so. Now it’s time to remember it. This time Australia I don’t have some vague intentions and a ‘hell with it’ attitude, no this is much scarier. This time I have a PLAN and instead of reacting to circumstances I’m taking control. I have a new dream and heaven help anyone or thing that tries to get in the way of it. 

Happy 30th My Love xxx

When I was fifteen if you had asked me what my life would be like at thirty I would probably have guessed something similar to what I have except instead of widowed I would have guessed permanently single and if you told me about all the fabulous friends I have I would have thought you were insane. Maybe that’s why I handled my thirtieth so much better than I thought I would. Jonathan gave me a life and love I never imagined I was worthy of and then he convinced me I was more than worthy and deserving. I am thankful for everything we had and incredibly happy that I had him in my life at all even if our time together was much shorter than I wanted.  He gave me amazing memories and faith in myself. His gift will last a life time.

On Jonathans thirtieth birthday though it’s different. All of the above is true but the loss is overwhelming. There’s no ‘he didn’t get our dream but he’s doing ok’. I can say my life isn’t what I wanted it to be but it is ok but I cannot say that about his. There is not second prize or at least’s. He is simply gone, denied the future that he would have given so much to. Denied all we planned. And that hurts. I’m working on a slide show of his life and it ends much too soon. I see him as a child and I cannot help but wonder what our kids would have looked like and remember that this was the year we planned to find out.  I agree with the saying that the picture in our head of how we think life should be is what messes up our appreciation of what we have. I try very hard to ignore that picture and be grateful for what I have and most of the time I do succeed but this isn’t actually about me. This is about Jonathan and all he isn’t doing. All this amazing things he’s missing. Usually I try and end my posts on a happy note so I’ll end by saying I am grateful that Jonathan was born thirty years ago and that we had him for as long as we did but that doesn’t stop me missing him every day and on occasions like this wishing with every fibre of my being that life had been just as we imagined it would be instead of how it is. Happy birthday my love where ever you are. Know I’m thinking of you, missing you and still loving you and that I’ll be sure to have a Jack just for you tomorrow  xxx

No Regrets

One of the ‘rules’ I live by is to not regret my mistakes. I believe that they are an important part of who I am and therefore should not be regretted. However I recently forgot that not regretting them does not mean I have a license to repeat them. The reason I should not regret them is because I should learn from them. When I started travelling I knew that a lot of people wouldn’t understand. I am living my life very differently to most people and when I first left I still had a lot of grief to work though and a lot of sorting out in my head to do. I still maintain that I was not running away. I was radically redirecting my life on to a path that I could live with. My trip to Australia was an undoubted success but that doesn’t mean I’m there yet. I am on the right path I know but I can still lose my way. Recently I think I’ve been veering off that path in into dangerous waters.

I’m human I make mistakes but whilst to err is human to repeat the same mistakes under the impression that if you keep making them even though you know you’re in the wrong you are somehow in control is just plain foolishness and that makes you a dumb ass. It’s taken me a while but I have finally worked out what I want from my ‘new’ life. I made the choice that I want to travel and see the world and as such I will have to come to terms with the fact that there will be sacrifices to make. I will miss birthdays. The chances of finding someone to have an actual proper relationship with are minimal. The people I love most will be at least a day away from me at all times.  However if I can come to terms with these and other facts I will see the world. I will meet many amazing people from all over the world, people who have made the same sacrifices as me and then some and have reaped the rewards.

I have come a long way in the last year and I know I’m not the person I was when I left the last time but that doesn’t mean I’m done just yet.  Recently I’ve been so busy being proud of how far I’ve come I forgot for a while that there is still a long way to go. I thought I would hate my 30^th birthday but I didn’t. On the day I felt calm and at peace with the person I was becoming. Since then I’ve stalled and veered off track a little but I think I’m getting back on track now.  I have made mistakes but finally I am learning from them. This time at home has allowed me to look back and see the good and the bad in the person I have become. Hopefully during my next adventure I will be able to nurture the good parts and let go of the bad. No matter what happens and where I end up I know one thing: I never want to stop believing in the person I know I can become and want to be again.

Here We Go Again

Well it’s official, Australia are letting me back into the country. I got my second year working visa through today and I am indescribably hyper about my life. I have my visa and my ticket out there. I am waiting for the nice man from Emirates to phone me back with the details of changing my ticket from one way to a return so I can attend my big brother’s wedding next year then I’m set. Once I get to Australia I shall apply for my New Zealand visa and then wait a few months before looking at flights back t Australia and on to New Zealand for the continuation of Plan C.

I am hyper but there is an edge to it. Don’t get me wrong I am happy. I am truly grateful for everything I am able to do mostly thanks to my amazing parents but as always there is that edge. The niggling thought that this wasn’t how it was all meant to be. That worry that if I am too happy then, am I somehow being unfaithful to Jonathan and the memory of the life we had? Yes I know that’s bollocks but if our thought processes made sense then self help books wouldn’t be the billion dollar industry that they are.

The Job

I’ve been home for two months now and it’s been interesting. Within a week of being back in the country I had waitressing job at a local fish n chip shop restaurant. I felt bad as I knew I wanted to leave soon but without the job I couldn’t afford to go back to Australia and wasn’t going anywhere so it was a catch 22 situation. If I stayed I had to work and if I worked then I could leave again. So I worked. I took the job and didn’t utter a word about my plans. Well they know now. Not the details, I was waiting for my visa to come through for that but now I have it I’m letting them know that I’m leaving. I’m not sorry to go but it was a good place to work. The staff were all really nice to work with and I acquired yet another skill to add to my ever growing CV of random jobs. The job also enabled me to purchase a new camera. Not just any camera but a DSLR. It’s safe to say I’ve fallen in love all over again. I love it and I can’t wait to see what it’s capable of. I would be outside right now taking photos of everything and anything but I’m waiting for the Emirates man to call so I’m stuck inside during this rare thing; a sunny day in Scotland.

The Weather

Ah yes, the weather. I was lucky on my return as it was sunny and even warm but it didn’t last. The cold, grey, wet weather did not help me acclimatise to being back home. After the high of seeing my family and friends and getting paid employment I crashed.  I was fortunate to get a job so quickly but due to the hours I worked my UK friends felt as far away as my Aussie ones. I missed my friends and the sunshine and as I had come off the pill whilst I was in Australia my hormones were going haywire and I missed Jonathan. My lowest point was when my mum told me by brother was planning his wedding for next summer. I was planning on coming back from New Zealand for it not Australia. I didn’t know if I could save the money to come back. I had a one way ticket. See the common theme there? I. It was all about me. I was hit hard. It would be a hard day without Jonathan there. It was too soon. I couldn’t cope. All me, me, me. Thankfully the hormones calmed down and I soon removed my head from my ass and started to plan. My parents promised they’d help me out so I could come home if I wanted to. If I wanted to? Yes that’s how bad I got, my own family doubted I would come home for my brother’s wedding and I must admit I did too at one point. But that was whilst my head was still up my ass so let’s not talk about it. The fact is I started to plan. I soon had multiple scenarios based on various dates and thanks to my parents the means to carry them out. Now it’s safe to say my head is as straight as it ever gets and I am delighted for my brother and his fiancée  and looking forward to coming back for her hen night and their wedding next year. I am even as nosey as everyone else about all the wedding plans. I have to say here that they have both been amazing. They have kept me informed of their plans and dates as much as possible so I can make my own plans. His fiancée even discussed the hen night with me even though of course she couldn’t give me an exact date she let me know what she was thinking so I could make as many plans as possible. To them all I’d say is that now I have my tickets and insurance booked I shall restrain myself to the usually sisterly levels of wedding nosiness. Do you think they’ll notice the difference?!

Online Dating

OK so I have a job, my brother is getting married and I miss my friends what else have I been up to in the last two months? Oh yes, internet dating. Now don’t get all excited I’ve not actually been dating I just joined a site to see what it was all about. I discovered that there are indeed a lot of nutters out there but there were a few nice guys in among them too. I even swapped a few messages with a few of the more sane looking ones. Fortunately being a widowed waitress with a PhD in physics who lives in her parents spare room put most guys off so I never actually go to the point of meeting anyone. When I started telling the guys I was messaging those pertinent details it didn’t take a therapist to point out I was actively trying to scare them off and not really interested. Still it was fun to have a look and I it was a good stepping stone in to the dating game. Of course now I’m travelling again the dating issue will go back on the shelf but it was an interesting experiment while it lasted, though one I am unlikely to repeat. I get why people date online but I don’t think it’s for me. If there is someone else out there for me then we’ll meet if not then well, I quite like my life just the way it is really. See that’s the real problem. Anyone I meet isn’t just competing with the memory of a great guy who I still love they are competing with the great lifestyle I now have. My life is pretty full and it’s going to take someone really special to mess with that. It’s a good thing I like cats really. 

Living with my Parents

Except I don't think I will become a crazy cat lady because against the odds I like living in my parents spare room. I've enjoyed spending time with my dad when I have a split shift and come home from lunch. I like seeing my mum at night when I get in and I am very excited about the girls day out we have planned for tomorrow. I am lucky enough to be able to borrow my dad's car if I need it and there are buses and trains to Aberdeen and Glasgow if I can't use it for any reason. They also have another spare room so if anyone did want to visit me then they could. I more or less left home at 17 when I went to uni. I thought I could never live at home again but it's easier than I thought it would be. Sorry mum and dad looks like your stuck with being my home base for the foreseeable future.

And Finally

When I returned to the UK I bought my ticket back to Australia with my dad’s credit card as it was his 30^th birthday present to me but I was in debt and I knew it was going to take hard work to make this new life work. Two months later and I have the ticket, my visa and some money in both my UK and Australian accounts. This time I’m not going there to find myself I’m going to find everyone else. I’m going to explore as much of the world as I can and hopefully photograph and write about it as I go. This time I have a plan. I know what I have to do to make this work and I’m going to give it everything I’ve got.  I hope that if you are still with me after this essay then you will stick with me for the next part of my epic journey because sharing to with you all is part of what makes it so special for me. Watch out world, here I come.