Sometimes I think that grief is like an illness. You get hit with it and it rules your life but gradually you begin to work out how to live with it. In fact sometimes you can even live as if it’s not there, dogging your every step waiting, waiting for that moment of weakness then BAM. It hits you all over again. I will never understand how my emotions work. I did good last week. Life was more or less normal then the 7th rolls around and it’s like a switch is flipped. The emotions got harder to control. The memories returned and my body, falling back on a tried and tested coping method, craved sleep. My mind craved alcohol but made do with ice-cream.
I’m very lucky. I was happy for many years with Jonathan and he left me with a lot of happy memories. I’m fortunate that I am at a stage in my life where mostly those memories do make me smile. I like to remember him and all we were to each other. I like to remember the fun and stupid times. Even the memories or our many trips to Asda and our slightly worrying obsession with which ones had the best macaroni cheese make me smile. Usually. But March rolls around and it’s like going back in time. I’m right back where the grief is strong and I am too weak and too shell shocked to fight it. Except not quite. It was there today. It’s been sneaking up on me but it’s not as cunning as it thinks. I’ve gotten to know it you see and I know when it’s there, waiting to pounce. I made it through the day. Once that was a major achievement for me now it’s a daily occurrence but on this day I’m taking it as a win. I made it to my front door before I lost it. In the shower I let it in and then I let it all out. The pain, the confusion, the grief, it was like it only happened yesterday. And then it passed. The memories retreated to the place they live, deep in my scarred heart and the words started to flow. You see that’s how it works. The grief triggers the words and then, magically, I find peace.
We’re not there yet, that date is still looming slowly creeping closer yet before I know it, it will arrive. But today was hard and yet I made it through and that gives me hope. It gives me the courage to keep trying to live life normally; after all it’s what Jonathan would have wanted.