Sunday, 24 March 2013
Year Four, Week One
Well I survived the day but as always the aftermath wasn’t easy. Yes I kept life normal on the surface but inside it was a struggle. The days that followed were easy days work wise. I only worked two morning shifts but made up my hours with an extra evening shift. Unfortunately work was quiet so it was a case of finding things to clean and keeping the place tidy and stocks up: too much time to think, too much time to wonder what could have been.
On the plus side the lack of morning shift meant I finally got back in to my TEFL course. Since my current flat mates had moved in during the build up I haven’t been overly friendly so like my life in Broome there were few distractions. I did manage lunch and a quick breakfast break with my currently only Cairns friend but mostly I kept my head down, studied, worked and slept. I didn’t sleep as much but it was still a handy relief and distraction. . Strangely enough I wasn’t in the mood to write which I usually do when I’m feeling low but I did take the time to submit this blog into a blog exchange competition (http://www.bigblogexchange.org/blog/498001). The idea of swapping lives with a completely random person seemed to be right up my street. Maybe that is why entering didn’t take me too long, sadly it wasn’t really much of a distraction. Maybe I should have gone out on a boat or tried something new but that would’ve cost money and I don’t want my diving to be tainted by grief. That’s my place where I feel free. When I think of Jonathan when I am diving I think how he would love it and how proud he would be. Usually I’m happy with these thoughts but when my emotions were that fragile I wasn’t sure I could cope. So I stayed at home.
Though my work isn’t strenuous or difficult I must admit I was glad when my day off rolled around. The four year one week mark was difficult and I did have an extended moment of grief after finishing work that day. It was my own fault. I had spent a week doing the whole I’m fine and yes of course I’m ok thing and of course by now I am rather good at it so no-one questioned it. The strain of pretending that now that day had past I was all fine was starting to tell so what did I do? I watch the Up Love Story on You Tube. See, told you it was my own fault. It’s such a short clip but it tells their story so well. I had that. We had that. Now I have the memories of that. You know something it is sad. Fortunately the next day I was off work so I would have time to rest and recharge. It’s tiring this grief malarkey you know? Four years on and it’s still oh so tiring. Oh well, one week left in Cairns then it’s on to Sydney and back to some of my dearest friends before I take that long journey home. At least I know there’ll be plenty of hugs in my near future and you what else, that’s enough to keep me going and make me smile again.