Monday, 18 March 2013

*That* Day Number 4

Well the day has been and gone. I think I did rather well at my first shot at keeping life normal at such a hard time. The week started out with a few wobbles and I was definitely more self absorbed than usual but once I realised that an excess of sleep was the way forward things seemed to even off a bit.

After my day off I had an easy start to my work week with only a small evening shift then a full day on Wednesday. Maybe it was the amount of time spent being nice to people or maybe it was just the realisation that the date really was rolling round again but I did find the full day a bit much and started to struggle. Thankfully the nest day I was off again and that gave me time to regain my equilibrium. I didn’t do much and that was exactly what I needed. I did venture out of the staff flat and down to the esplanade where I enjoyed the cool sea breeze whilst I used my kindle app to read in my iTouch. I even ventured as far as the nearest sushi place for lunch before returning to my shaded spot for yet more reading. Since I had a lie in that morning I missed the afternoon nap but did go for an early night. With all that sleep I thought I’d be right the next day but I don’t think it was good sleep as after a slightly disorganised morning shift it was straight back to bed for a three hour nap. Only my alarm on my phone meant that I didn’t miss my evening shift. The extended nap did the trick though and my evening shift seemed to go a lot more smoothly. Everyone at my work was aware that it was a difficult time for me but apart from a few meaningful “Are you ok?’s” they stuck with my wishes to act as normally as possible. The light handed concern and extended nap meant I finished that day in a much better frame of mind than I had the previous full day. I was glad of it as it meant I was able to have a skype home and talk dresses and other nonsense with Josh’s mum for a while before heading back to bed. I honestly do not want to know what my flatmates must have thought since every time they saw me I was either sleeping or working!

The next day was once again a short working day with only an evening shift to conquer. Again an excess of sleep seemed to be the answer to getting through the day and that evening I arrived at work refreshed enough to be interested in my friends activities. She was on the brink of submitting her competition entry that she had been working on for the last month or so. For the first time near that date I managed to think about someone other than myself and I found myself genuinely excited that the moment had come. She had to make a few tweeks here and there before being completely satisfied that she had done all she could but finally it was done. All those weeks if hard work were over and now all there was left  do was to count the votes as they come in. And I still say that naming Malaria as her most unforgettable souvenir is an inspired answer.

Finally it arrived and I really wished it hadn’t. Even now it still sucks. I cannot believe four years has past since I saw my loves face and heard his voice tell me that he loves me. Some would say that it’s been four years and I should move on, some would say it’s only four years and to give myself time. All I know is that in the last four years not one man has come close to making me feel like he did. Not one person has made me feel so at home with myself. No-one has given me a reason to stay put. No-one can hold a candle to my Jonathan. So on that day I was sad. I missed him so damn much it hurt. But it was different. It was blurry, almost like it happened to someone else. I was sad and I missed him but I didn’t feel that lost feeling I had grown so used to. I felt that I was where I was meant to be, for now.

See my life has some direction at last. I found a new passion in diving that I’d like to explore firther. I feel more at peace with who I am now and who I am becoming. As well as remembering that day I also remembered everyone else effected. I remembered how hard my friends and family tried to be there for me in the aftermath and felt peace knowing that though it may have taken me some time and I know there is a long way still to go I am finally on the right path for me. So at the end of my that day I got online and I booked plane and train tickets so I could let the people who have always been there for me know for sure that I was coming back to them, even if it is only for a short while. After all more than anything that is what Jonathan would have wanted. He loved his gadgets, he loved to travel and he was definitely his own person but most of all he loved his friends and family and put them first. Finally, I feel that I am on my way to remembering and living that and that might be his most important legacy of all.

You up there in heaven,
With me down here on earth.
We never meant to part,
Yet fate had other plans.
One day our time will come,
Together once again.
'Til then I keep you safe,
Your heartbeat carries on.

P.S. If you are at all interested in seeing where I live and the video (and competition) which helped keep my mind otherwise occupied on the run up to that day then here it is:


  1. I posted a comment and this has posted something else altogether - I am so sorry. What I wanted to say was "glad you are where you feel you are meant to be now."

    1. No worries, 'tis easily fixed. Thanks for the encouraging words and heads up about that coin ;-)