Thoughts: The Widder Paradox

I wish I had met him. I have lost count of the number of time someone has said this to me or I had said or thought it about a friends deceased partner. I talk about Jonathan a lot. He was a big part of my life and his death was the most influential event in my life since meeting him back in 1999. When I talk honestly about why I decided to come to Australia I talk about his death which leads me to talk about his life. Jonathan was a great guy and I am fortunate that I was able to be with him for ten years and to love and be loved by him always. I like to talk about some of the daft and fun things together and I love to remember how he made me feel. Thus people get to know him and inevitably comes the ‘I wish....’. The thing is I wish too. I wish that he was here seeing and doing all the wonderful things I am seeing and doing. I don’t pine for our old life. I don’t wish for mini-me’s running about the place raising hell – trust me they would. I don’t miss the snow, the rain or any of the other crappy UK weather. I kind of miss my physics but not the last proper job, sorry last proper job, it wasn’t you it was me, honest. I DO miss Jonathan. I miss him like crazy sometimes and I miss him in a gentle used to it kind of way the rest of the time but whatever happens, where ever I go and what ever I do I miss him. I love my new life. I get to do very cool things and meet amazing people I just wish that he was here too. Except if he were here he wouldn’t be because I wouldn’t be. We’d be in the UK moaning about the weather planning out next trip to the sun or maybe even mini-terrors, sorry children. I wouldn’t know about this life so I wouldn’t miss it. Do I want that life? If it means having him yes of course I do. But better I’d quite like this life and him. Of course I get neither so I have to settle for this life and occasionally allowing myself the odd “I wish” and “if only” because no matter how illogical they are I’m only human.