Thoughts: Still Fighting

Almost Four Years on and I still get those lost days. Days when I look at my life and wonder did I make the right choices? Am I doing it right? Or am I completely off course and lost and not even realising it? I know from experience that my life is more than the sum of its parts. I had a good life before and I gave it all up to travel to Australia. I had a secure life even though it didn’t feel that way. Now my life is by its very nature uncertain. I used to prefer that as the security I had before felt like a lie whereas the uncertainty I face now felt more honest. Now I’m not so sure.

I don’t have to do the kind of work I do. I could find a ‘real’ job and settle down but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Four years and I still don’t want to face that day. I don’t want to remember that he isn’t here and will never be again. Yet I have to. I have to get past this. Every year I let that date influence my life, death wins. I have fought for so long to live my life and to embrace all life has to offer. Why does it have to be a fight? Why can’t it be a joyous acceptance? Sometimes it feels like every good day, every happy memory is something I have fought for. Something I had to struggle to obtain. Should it really be this hard to be happy? Is it always a struggle or does it just feel like that because the dark clouds are closing in again?

They say that you can’t wait for happiness to find you, you have to go and look for it. I guess I thought that once I found it then it might stay put so I could enjoy it but it seems as soon as I find it it’s moving on again like an eternal game of hide and seek.

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Since first writing this I’ve felt happy again. I even believe I am happy but the next hard date is round the corners so once again I’m wondering how long it will last. The thing is happiness never lasts but I need to remember that it does come round again and again and again. So what if sometimes I have to fight for it? Don’t they say if it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for? And I’m not always fighting. Occasionally someone says or does something for me and happiness is gifted to me without any effort on my part. It’s not always a fight but when it is then I know I’ve earned my happiness and maybe that’s something I need to think about more. After all you can’t have rainbows without the rain and it’s the heaviest rain that produces the brightest of them all.